Over the summer we had RSVPed to a wedding in St. Pete Beach. I was very excited about the decision to go. It felt right. A couple of days before the trip Mark noticed a tropical storm on the radars heading straight for the place we were going. He asked me if we were still going to go. I said yes. I felt yes. On the drive there the weather continued to look gloomier and gloomier. As we got closer Mark asked if I was sure. I was. As we crossed the bridge from St. Petersburg to the shore the outgoing traffic was unbelievable. Mark wondered aloud if they knew something we didn’t. Were they evacuating? Maybe we should turn back? I paused and tuned into my body. There was no anxiety or fear there. I told Mark it would be fine, if it wasn’t going to be fine I’d feel it. We crossed the bridge. It rained on and off the rest of the day. The next morning the skies cleared and the weather was beautiful. We spent the day playing on the beach and in the evening we attended the outdoor wedding that went off without a hitch. I guess the tropical storm just fizzled out before it reached us and I was extremely grateful that I’ve learned to feel through my body the right way to go.
This past weekend had originally been blocked for us as a Disney World weekend. The girls were out of school on Friday, the deals were good, and our season passes are always burning a hole in my pocket. But a few unexpected trips arrived on our calendar as well as a couple that were already planned. It didn’t feel like the right thing to do. It was less than a week before when we made the final decision not to go. My neighbor was going and a couple of my Facebook friends were too. I’ll admit that I felt super jealous but still felt we made the right decision by not going. In the end Bella ended up getting really sick on Saturday. As I write this (on Tuesday) she is still sick. We wouldn’t have enjoyed Disney World very much and I was glad I’d trusted the way I felt.
Mark has said to me before that when I really want to do something, we do it. To some extent that’s true, but I’m realizing it is more about the way I feel about doing it. There are places I’ve wanted to travel to or events I’ve wanted to attend but just haven’t felt the incentive to push forward and make plans. There have also been times (like a trip I have coming up in November) where something has seemed impossible but so necessary that I will find a way to work it out. I will let you know how this trip in November goes after all is said and done, but a perfect example of one of these trips was the girls’ weekend I went on with Amy just months before she died. It took quite a bit of planning and organizing to get that done but it felt right and it most definitely was.
Your body is actually a quite brilliant navigation device if you put it to use. I know I’m not alone in saying that I feel when things are right or wrong. One of my goals is to always use those feelings to guide me to just the right places and experiences for me!
So just pulled the “play” card from my Sonia Choquette Trust Your Vibes deck. Now lets see if I can write a poem….
The wind in my hair
screaming as the coaster
twists and loops
filling the room
as baby girls run
from the tickle monster
aphids for the ants
Uno, I win
walk to the pond
bread in hand
for just a nibble
writing my life
reading pages that feed me
lighten my soul
lift my burdens
stop to hear the sounds
in the form of
let joy move through
oh the ways
I feel like a jellyfish.
Floating amongst a sea of beauty,
Attempting to steer clear,
of the chaos the waves create,
that leave me stranded ashore.
Still floating with the current.
I feel like a jellyfish.
Unaware of the beauty I hold,
Unaware of the total effect
I have on things around me.
I feel like a jellyfish.
I know not where I will be tomorrow,
I will still be floating with the current,
trusting that my instinct and God,
will take me right where I need to be.
I stopped using an alarm clock the day I became a mother. My daughters became my alarm clock. They woke me up at all hours of the night and still do sometimes. I am so tuned into them that they’ve rarely had to wail or scream. If I heard a slight moan or whisper from down the hall, I ‘d be up. When they were babies and we co-slept they’d wiggle and kick ever so slightly and I just knew to give them my milk.
These days, for the most part, they sleep through the night, from 7:30pm to around 7am. Bella usually comes out first in the morning. Most of the time I hear her door open and the footsteps in the hall. Then she goes into the living room and turns on PBS. I officially get out of bed when I know it is 7:00. I know it is 7:00 when I hear this:
Arthur has been coming on at the same time for as long as we’ve been watching PBS Kids, I hear the song everyday, but today I listened with my heart for the first time. It truly is a beautiful message to share with our children. It is the most important advice I would give my daughters, packaged into a song that makes you want to smile and dance! Here are the lyrics in case you didn’t catch them or couldn’t listen.
Everyday when you’re walking down the street, everybody that you meet
Has an original point of view
And I say HEY! (HEY!) what a wonderful kind of day.
Where you can learn to work and play
And get along with each other
You got to listen to your heart
Listen to the beat
Listen to the rhythm, the rhythm of the street
Open up your eyes, open up your ears
Get together and make things better
By working together!
It’s a simple message and it comes from the heart
Believe in yourself
Well that’s the place to start
And I say HEY! (HEY!)what a wonderful kind of day
Where you learn to work and play
And get along with each other
hey what a wonderful time of day hey!
I want my daughters to believe in themselves. And I love that this song tells them each time they hear it that that is the place to start. Because really if they don’t believe in themselves, who else will? If they do not listen to their hearts they will simply become cogs in the wheel. I want them to trust their instincts, so that they can recognize trustworthy people. If they live from a place of love and trust within, they will not be threatened by others. They can feel love, compassion, and understanding for those who are different. They will be able to work with others and make thing better.
It Lies Dying (written 10-2-09)
with a few steps
You toward me
scooping me from
I owed you always
for being the one
When no one else
cared to be
The illusion of
engulfed us for
In love with
the false representations
The tower crumbled
Death moved in
And from the ashes
a new me
Does the truth
the me who is
no longer the
placation of your needs
There for the
taking and leaving
Is there value
in only accepting
what sits well
One thing I have learned to do over the past few years is trust my instincts. I have figured out that there is something directing me from within and it always seems to know what’s best for me. Sometimes it leads me to people and places that don’t make a lot of sense, like when it woke me up at 3am insisting that I write a letter to a friend (whose mother was dying) and reveal all of my deepest held beliefs about God and death. I wrote the letter and emailed it the next day. My friend lost his mother a week later. I don’t know what affect my letter had on his grieving process, but I do know I was meant to write it.
In particular, it is important to follow your instincts when it comes to your body and health. When something is physically wrong with you (like my strep throat incident I wrote about) and you need to see a doctor I think your body lets you know, you sense it. Today(7-30) I experienced the effects of not trusting my instincts in relation to my body. On Monday, I had a doctor appointment and scheduled a procedure to take place today. The procedure is best done when a particular window is open. For me, the window of opportunity was there but closing quickly. Everything in me SCREAMED to wait and schedule the procedure later. But no, no, no…I wanted it done and wanted it done NOW. Surely they wouldn’t have suggested it if it couldn’t be done. My gut wouldn’t leave me alone though. When I got home I emailed a doctor friend and asked whether or not I should cancel the appointment. She told me it was doable and that it might hurt, but would be OK. So against every cell in my body, I kept the appointment.
Today I went back for the procedure and HOLY CRAP!!!!!! Let me just say that the window must be OPEN…slightly open does NOT work. Until today, the worst pain I had ever experienced was a tie between the pitocin-induced back labor I went through with Bella and the getting out of bed for the first time after my c-sections. Today I suffered a pain that made me cry AND pass out (well almost). It was so painful that the procedure was not even completed. All I can say now is: Dear sweet intuition/higher self, I am so very sorry for ignoring your pleas. I promise from now on I will listen to you. I will not let my impatience interfere with the messages you send me. I totally get what you were trying to tell me, I thank you and desperately wish I’d have listened.
So, I have been on this kick lately where I feel like I need to DO something. I’ve thought about editing my first novel and my second. I’ve thought about beginning a complete rewrite of both of them. The idea has crossed my mind that I could turn each of them into a book series which would make 2 books equal 5 or 6. I’ve also thought about burning them. I’ve considered applying to grad school or just applying for a part time job at Border’s. It has occurred to me that I could volunteer my time to a good cause. I’m also interested in learning HTML so that I can buy a real domain name and grow this blog (which I think I need to be a little more computer literate to do). I also ought to continue where I left off with the decluttering project, seeing as I only got as far as two closets. I’d love to spend like 5 more hours a week in the gym so that I can work on that ideal bod. These are all actions I could take, yet I don’t seem to have the incentive or passion to.
As I was going down the list of coulds and shoulds, I was reminded that I want to follow my heart and trust myself. Everytime I sit down to do something I should do, it feels wrong. I feel as if I am once again going against the current. My body always lets me know when I am making the wrong choice or pushing something that isn’t ready to budge just yet. Even thinking about those books gets my stomach flipping, yet my passion is still writing and the ideas swimming in my head make me feel alive. I think it is a matter of timing. When I first got the idea to write that second novel I told myself that I would write it when I couldn’t not write it. And that’s just what I did. One day I sat down and poof, out of nowhere, I outlined the entire story. A day or two later I began writing it. That’s how it works I think. You first must know that you can do it and trust that it will happen when the time is right.
So for now, I think the best action for me is no action at all. I have never in my life been in a position, like I am now, where I can just be. I can sit peacefully with a faithful knowing that the pieces will fall into place and I will be guided to DO when the time is right. When it is time for me to move…I WILL know it.
Today, I am going to BE at the pool and Starbucks with a pastry!