Giving Thanks for Rebirth

I am writing this on Sunday night, November 22.  It will post on Thanksgiving day.  My intention was to write a post of gratitude on this day named just for that.  It’s been a difficult past couple of months though.  There’s a lot in my life to be grateful for, but it’s hard to write about on a day when I’ve found myself in tears three times, missing my friend.  So instead I’m chosing to express thanks, not for what I have, but for what is happening to me now.

In October I had two life-changing events.  The first was a reality check in the form of some tough criticism.  It should have shaken my foundation, but for some reason it didn’t.  It was a truth I always suspected, that had hidden itself under a pretty package and lots of sugar coating.  The second event was, of course, losing one of my best friends, Amy.  The person I was died the day she did.  I’ve tried, in moments, to venture back to the thoughts, desires, and ideas I had before that day and they’re gone.  I’ve tried to have the same conversations I had before that day and I can’t.  I know this is all meant to be.  It is a huge wake up call.  I’m hitting the snooze button right now though.  I’ve always been one of those people who sets the alarm an hour before they really need to get up, just so they can snooze for an hour.  Right now, I’m trapped in the hour.

I haven’t started “doing” anything yet, but my internal guidance system is hard at work.  When I sit mindlessly lurking on the internet, I get that uncomfortable feeling in my gut.  Today I finally listened.  I closed the laptop and I picked up “Class Lessons” by Joel S. Goldsmith.  Reading it, I was reminded of my nature, of the reality of who I am, who we all are.  I thought more about how I’ve lost my way somewhat.  I don’t study and meditate the way I once did.  To some extent, I’ve let my ego take the wheel.  Losing Amy shined a light on that (which is funny b/c during a conversation she once said to me…”this is all about ego, nothing else”), but in the aftermath I’ve been too numb to make the necessary changes.

I read Joel S. Goldsmith’s teachings and I am reminded not to judge the situation.  Today I received an email that made me very happy.  I was torn between dancing or crying(happy tears).  Later on I thought more about it and realized it was also kind of scary and intimidating.  It was only then that I had to stop myself from judging.  I want to let go of the duality.  I want to let go of the concern for myself.  Before Amy died, I had a g-chat conversation with my cyber-friend Biswajit (who has become a sort of spiritual teacher for me) and he asked me what I was looking for (on my spiritual journey).  My response was something like  “to have a true realization that I am taken care of.”  No sooner had I typed that into the chat box, did he come back with a big NO! He then said “your purpose here is not to be taken care of.  It is to take care of others.”  I knew he was right.

Now I am in the midst of a rebirth.  I am discovering a new life.  I am working my way through the grief and fear.  I am hoping to initiate the changes I am being pulled to make.  I know that it takes silence and clarity to hear my inner voice, but it is that voice that will guide me to my rightful place.

 

Georgia On My Mind

Last year was our first Thanksgiving as a (more or less) vegetarian family.  I made spaghetti squash and cheese ravioli.  It sucked!  Besides waking up to the parade on TV and being off from school/work, it felt like just another day.  Holidays are tricky every year because we live so far away from our families.  In the past, the girls have not made for good traveling companions so we would avoid it (traveling) at all costs.  Now we have added an extra obstacle to the holiday season…not eating meat.  This year, after the option of my mother-in-law visiting was taken off the table, we decided to take a Thanksgiving vacation.  Tomorrow we leave for Savannah where we intend to make Thanksgiving less about turkey and more about experience, culture, history, and ghosts!

The last time I was in Savannah was in April of 2009, with my three best friends…Amy, Kristin, and Heather.  I am so thankful to be returning to a place where I now have great memories of mi amigas!  Here we are seven months ago:

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Above: Heather, Amy and me at The Chart House restaurant.

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Above: Kristin and me (getting the first glass of wine).

sav3 Left: Me, Kristin and Heather in the garden of The Davenport House … Amy was in the room busy napping and growing babies!

sav4Right: Me, Amy and Kristin getting our belly dancing lesson at The Kasbah Morroccan restaurant.

Above: Amy tipping the belly dancer at Kasbah.