Simone’s Click

Simone is a fellow Owning Pink Blogger and Pink Posse member.  She and I have been connecting here and there through the world of Owning Pink for over a year now.  I love her energy and enthusiasm.  I was so excited when she agreed to write a “click story” for my comeback week!!  I know there are so many people out there struggling with the same decision she writes about and her story is an example of the many ways guidance arrives in our lives.  Here are some other places you can find Simone’s writing: Advice Blog-Good Witch, Bad Witch; Pop culture living for Carnal Spiritualistas blog-Pop Smarts Zen; Our self-paced online de-stress program-Still Sitting; Facebook.

When I was asked to write this article, I felt honored and relished the thought because writing is like breathing to me. Lately and persistently, I’ve been going through a lot in my personal life, a click shouldn’t be hard to recall. I rarely if ever feel blocked creatively, but suddenly realized I didn’t have a thing to write, as I’d recently been experiencing so many “clicks” that they were beginning to run together and I didn’t know where oneendedandthenextbegananymore. That clicking sound was getting loudly indistinguishable to the point of nearly negating itself. I needed some settle-out time just to stop the ringing in my ears.

A lot of my recent personal experiences have to do with family and duty. My cutie-patootie dad and I were talking and I stated that I had consciously and actively struck the word “obligation” from my vocabulary and actions at least 20 years ago. Plus I’ll believe in the Tooth Fairy before I believe in being “guilted” into anything. Even if I didn’t actually want to do a thing, I would willingly do it if I could muster up some legitimate (for myself) intention and reason that was sustainable. Nice words. Now in recent times, I found myself (a very caring but non-maternal woman) faced with the business end of caregiving for a family member who doesn’t (and can no longer) realize how much help she needs doing most everything. This sort of lengthy (coming up on Year 5), daily, ongoing task has started hitting me as a duty and I noticed I’d begun to resent it. If you met me even once, you’d know I’m not a shy and quiet person. How I’ve been expressing that simmering anger and frustration externally is snappiness at slower others. Unattractive…and not accurately reflecting what’s actually eating me. I had to really search to reconfirm/-affirm, if possible, my own legitimate intention, and exactly how sustainable it really was.

I did what I’ve done for decades: I meditated in bed, and asked my guides for signs and messages. “C’mon, babies! Talk to me. I am willing to shut the eff up and listen.” Immediately the next morning, dyed-in-the-wool night owl-me, sprang awake naturally at 5:00 a.m., made a beeline to the kitchen table where the 25-page Care facility documents were lounging lazily, procrastinating, and attacked them with a vigor that woke us both up. All business, all business, all business, eh!, no big deal, then…BAM! “List patient’s likes and dislikes” showed up. This question is an effort for the caregivers to help a patient re-engage as well as handle them with more customized personal attention. I wrote that she had once drawn and painted a lot, but no more, yet is still a very creative person. (Yikes, what a recipe for disaster that is!) I listed she likes natural objects including leaves and feathers. I noticed this line did slow me down for some reason. I even inexplicably started feeling warm and fuzzy about her again.

Later, I went out into the world. All day long, I ran into feathers. Feathers on the street, feathers in the cool store I discovered. I would have to be sleepwalking to not be knocked over by them. …And suddenly I remembered: the day before, we heard a vibratingly loud Thud!, and thought our full-of-life cat had knocked something over downstairs. It literally shook my house. Yet we could find nothing. Then after all the feathers showed up, we saw a huge moss clod on our front stairs. Obviously a large bird (to pick that thing up airborne!) had dropped it (probably while building a new nest). I often get messages from birds (symbolically the messengers) and knew “moss” was going to mean something really, really good. I could just feel it. The Book of Google said it represented “luck” and “money” both of which I have no conflict about.

I don’t think there’s no reason that this building block moss, meant for a new nest, dropped on my freshly painted house’s doorstep, as I am in the process of making a new home for a loved one. I don’t think the quieting of my anger and frustration and suddenly recalling how creative she is (too!), and all the feathers that kept flitting into the picture before me (did I mention my signature jewel feather necklace I wear?) are all just mere coincidences. I think I found my sustainability in recognition, in (re-) connection, in the flow of creativity and on the supportive hands of winged guides. I think when I think of her…there but for the grace of god, go I. My level of capability in this world is a gift, and gifts are best honored when shared.

If a feather “clicks!” and no one is around to hear it fall, has its message been delivered?

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Dear Amy (Signs)

Someone sent me an article yesterday about a book called “Life After Death: The Evidence.”  When I opened the link and started reading, I just couldn’t finish it.  You see the author of the article was a major skeptic and was writing about how they think the afterlife is bullshit.  Since I stopped reading, I don’t even know what their arguments were.  It pissed me off because I am over here being BOMBARDED with signs from you.  There are WAY TOO many for it to be coincidental.  It’s getting to the point now that I have to write them down to remember and I am starting to forget many that I have already received.  I thought I’d list them all here, so you know I’m aware.

1.  When I thought you were just in a coma I kept asking you what you were going to do.  The answer I got was that you had done all that you wanted to do and you were leaving.  I didn’t want that to be true, but Mark asked me what my gut said and I told him I knew you were gone.  I prayed that my cell phone wouldn’t ring because I knew what that would mean.

2.  All day as I traveled to NC I asked you to give me a sign and I kept thinking if you’d send me anything, it would be a frog.  When I came out of the restroom at a rest stop, there at my feet was a frog.  I sat down, picked it up, and called Kristin.

3.  I have also asked you twice to help me out with decision making and when I started to make the wrong decision I got a terrible tummy ache.  When I put myself back on track, in the right direction, I felt better.

4.  When Kristin and I were sitting on her porch Monday night she said “I just want to call Amy.”  When she said that the wind began blowing and the wind chimes went crazy.  I got chills all over and sat staring at the empty chair at the table.  Somehow I felt or knew you were sitting in it, right across the table from Kristin.

5.  I got chills and goosebumps every time I talked about you and every time I hugged your mom.  At one point she said “Leslee!”  and I replied “It’s Amy.”  She called me last night and the second I heard her voice the goosebumps came back.  (I haven’t felt them much since I’ve been back in Florida.  It actually scared me because I was afraid I was too far away to feel you.)

6.  After the funeral at your mom and dad’s house I was sitting on the couch with your mom talking to the neighbor.  He was talking about his wife and said “What am I?  Chopped liver?”  I had been thinking of you saying that to my dad for days.  It was one of those funny moments that always stood out to me.

7.  I let you pick out my outfit for the funeral and when Candie saw me she said “Look we’re all wearing green.”  It was your favorite color and not a bit surprising that you dressed us all.  I kept the heels on for 2 hours but then had to change.

8.  I listened to Incubus all the way home and felt like you were speaking to me through the lyrics.  “I wish you were here.”  “She called out a warning, don’t ever let life pass you by.” “Goodbye, nice to know you.” and one that I can’t quite remember but is something like “Something inside me has told me more than twice today that you are the air I breathe.”  Also found out that the end of that CD is a 30 second chorus of crickets and FROGS.

9.  I’ve seen a lot more frogs.  A little girl gave a toy frog to the girls in a restaurant.  I was holding one of Kelly’s twin babies and noticed she was wearing a froggie outfit.  I saw 3 frogs on Halloween night as I wondered around lost.  Yesterday there were 21 little frogs in the sliding board at my friends house and Bella was trying to catch them with her friend.

10.  Most recently today I was at the grocery store waiting for my sushi to be made and I walked over to the florist area (of course as always thinking Amy send me a message) and there was a teddy bear holding a pillow with a butterfly on it that said Best Friends Always.  Then I started listening to the music on the speakers and this song came on….

I know this isn’t all of them, like I said I’m losing track.  You were the one who helped me remember…what am I going to do without you to call?  Which reminds me, when your mom called me last night she asked me to come home just like you kept doing.  Get to work Angel Amy!  I love you so much and still missing you.  Wondering if I will ever stop thinking about you…

Dear Amy (funeral)

Where to start, where to start…  Well, your funeral was last Wednesday and I must say it was beautiful.  I didn’t count them, but I’d guess there was about 20 police cars leading the funeral procession from the funeral home to the church.  They had every intersection between Raymer’s and Hopewell blocked and one whole side of the church was filled with men and women in blue.  You loved the attention you got from being married to law enforcement and, boy, they made sure you got it in the end.

I walked into the church with Chris and Jen.  Heather had gone to look for the minister about the eulogy.  I sat down and looked at the rows marked for family and I knew I was supposed to be there.  I wasn’t sure whether or not to get up but finally after they brought the coffin in, I knew I was in the wrong place.  I walked out and found my rightful place, with your family.  I sat beside Kristin and your little grandma.  She (grandma) was so cute, singing along to the songs and saying “yes, yes” to everything the ministers said.  When the vocalists sang “In The Garden,” inside my head I replaced He with She.

And She walks with me,
and She talks with me,
and She tells me I am her own;
and the joy we share as we tarry there,
none other has ever known.

My guess is some might call that blasphemy, but you are a daughter of God and I know that you are now watching over me just like Jesus.  And speaking of Jesus, everything Jervis said at the service was PERFECT.  (Ok, not everything, but I’ll get to that in a minute.)  You and I had talked about Jesus on the 13th.  I had told you my thoughts and that most of all for me Jesus is a teacher.  In my life I am trying to learn from him and follow what he taught…two of those huge lessons being forgiveness and everlasting life.  The one thing Jervis said (and used scripture to back it up) was “she will live again.”  The other thing he said is that God does not punish us and God does not cause tragedies like this to happen.  You leaving us just is…  There is no one to blame and all we can do now is go to God for comfort.  He didn’t make this happen, but he can get us through it.

Now the one thing that made me cringe a bit, OK A LOT, was when Jervis talked about Puni.  In my mind I was screaming “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” and tackling him before he could say it.  But I really didn’t think you’d want me actually doing that at your funeral, so I let him speak.  For those of us closest to you, Puni (along with your other little quirks) were such big pieces of you.  And those of us who knew felt so special to be in the midst of that circle.  You only told the people you loved the most and Tim loved you so much that he had to tell Jervis the story of Puni.  I had no idea it would end up being said aloud to the hundreds of people that were there.  Kristin and I expressed to one another that we could feel your embarrassment, but it also just occurred to me now that we were probably both a little jealous.  I mean that was a part of you that belonged to a select few and we were among that few.  Maybe we wanted to keep Puni all to ourselves, so that we would know something and have something so many others didn’t.

You keep sending all these signs, it’s crazy how many we are getting.  I know you always hated country music and nearly everyone else in your life liked it.  This past week everyone has been passing along songs to each other and they are all COUNTRY songs.  We keep apologizing to you for using country songs (which you hated) to remember you by.  But I think you are sending us these songs on purpose because you knew that WE would like them and hear them and think of you.  So in honor of that I just found a version of “In The Garden” by Brad Paisley that I wanted to share.

Messages 2-Kisses from Pop-Pop

Since I was brave enough to share the story about Suzy yesterday, I thought I’d do another post along the same lines today.

When I became a stay-at-home-mom in 2004, I discovered Sylvia Browne day on the Montel Williams show.  I’d tune in as often as I could and listen to her answer people’s questions about their deceased loved ones.   Every time I watched her I was so excited and emotional, usually welling up or getting chills at least a few times per episode.  My rational mind tried to find glitches in her readings, but they all seemed so very legit.  One thing I always remember her telling people week after week is that loved ones that have passed often send signs that they are nearby.  Coins and butterflies are two of the signs she often mentioned.

As I’ve written before, my father-in-law died in 2005.  After his passing I wanted to know that he was still with us, especially with Bella.    On his birthday (Christmas Eve) of 2007 I was at the gym for a quick workout.  I had a fleeting thought about his birthday as I walked to the rack to return the weights I’d been lifting.  When I turned around, I glanced down to find a quarter sitting by my foot.  I picked up the coin and looked at the date…it was a 2005 quarter.  I felt immediately that it was a sign from him.  You see he was an avid coin collector and quarters are my favorite coins (I don’t know why but I am always thrilled when I receive them in change).

After that I decided that anytime I found a quarter, it would be a message from him and I asked (silently) that he send pennies to the girls.  I decided to call them kisses from Pop-Pop.  Sure enough, after I made that silent suggestion the girls began to find pennies almost daily, sometimes they would find 2 or 3 pennies sitting together in a parking lot.  One day we were in the car on the way to a playdate in the park and I began to talk to the girls about him.  I told Bella how whenever we find pennies we can just think of them as kisses.  When we arrived at the park and Bella hopped out of the car, she immediately bent down and picked up a penny!  It was all the verification I needed.

When Mark played his first gig with Spatial K, I thought of Billy.  Prior to that the last band Mark had been in was in Columbus, Ohio.  Both of our parents had come to that band’s last show.  During that first show with Spatial K, I looked up on the stage and saw a quarter.  I was amazed and felt like it was Billy letting me know he was watching after all.  I contemplated on whether or not to tell Mark and in the end decided to.  When Mark arrived home after me that night, I told him about the quarter and what I thought it meant.  He laughed and said, “You know I actually picked that quarter up.”  He showed it to me and I looked at the date.  I believe it was a 1991.  I asked Mark if there was anything significant about 1991.  He told me it was the year he started playing guitar!

As time passed the girls continued to find pennies and I continued to take them as signs.  The last time I remember receiving a sign of my own from him was right before the election.  Mark, the girls, and I were sitting in Cabo’s one Saturday discussing politics.  Right before we were leaving I said “I wonder if your dad would have liked Obama?”  About that time Bella starts digging between the seats trying to get to a coin she sees.  It was hopeless, there was no way to reach the coin.  As we were leaving the restaurant though I looked down to see what kind of coin it was and sure enough, it was a quarter!