I am writing this on Sunday night, November 22. It will post on Thanksgiving day. My intention was to write a post of gratitude on this day named just for that. It’s been a difficult past couple of months though. There’s a lot in my life to be grateful for, but it’s hard to write about on a day when I’ve found myself in tears three times, missing my friend. So instead I’m chosing to express thanks, not for what I have, but for what is happening to me now.
In October I had two life-changing events. The first was a reality check in the form of some tough criticism. It should have shaken my foundation, but for some reason it didn’t. It was a truth I always suspected, that had hidden itself under a pretty package and lots of sugar coating. The second event was, of course, losing one of my best friends, Amy. The person I was died the day she did. I’ve tried, in moments, to venture back to the thoughts, desires, and ideas I had before that day and they’re gone. I’ve tried to have the same conversations I had before that day and I can’t. I know this is all meant to be. It is a huge wake up call. I’m hitting the snooze button right now though. I’ve always been one of those people who sets the alarm an hour before they really need to get up, just so they can snooze for an hour. Right now, I’m trapped in the hour.
I haven’t started “doing” anything yet, but my internal guidance system is hard at work. When I sit mindlessly lurking on the internet, I get that uncomfortable feeling in my gut. Today I finally listened. I closed the laptop and I picked up “Class Lessons” by Joel S. Goldsmith. Reading it, I was reminded of my nature, of the reality of who I am, who we all are. I thought more about how I’ve lost my way somewhat. I don’t study and meditate the way I once did. To some extent, I’ve let my ego take the wheel. Losing Amy shined a light on that (which is funny b/c during a conversation she once said to me…”this is all about ego, nothing else”), but in the aftermath I’ve been too numb to make the necessary changes.
I read Joel S. Goldsmith’s teachings and I am reminded not to judge the situation. Today I received an email that made me very happy. I was torn between dancing or crying(happy tears). Later on I thought more about it and realized it was also kind of scary and intimidating. It was only then that I had to stop myself from judging. I want to let go of the duality. I want to let go of the concern for myself. Before Amy died, I had a g-chat conversation with my cyber-friend Biswajit (who has become a sort of spiritual teacher for me) and he asked me what I was looking for (on my spiritual journey). My response was something like “to have a true realization that I am taken care of.” No sooner had I typed that into the chat box, did he come back with a big NO! He then said “your purpose here is not to be taken care of. It is to take care of others.” I knew he was right.
Now I am in the midst of a rebirth. I am discovering a new life. I am working my way through the grief and fear. I am hoping to initiate the changes I am being pulled to make. I know that it takes silence and clarity to hear my inner voice, but it is that voice that will guide me to my rightful place.