I’m not sure where I first met Jill, whether it was Twitter, our blogs, or Owning Pink, but I know that I read whatever was the current blog post on her page and added her immediately to my blogroll b/c it spoke to me so strongly. I have enjoyed tweeting with Jill and she is always so very supportive of my blog and writing. She sent me the following post in response to my request. It couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. An essay about moving past fear as I was stuck in a fearful place, worried about rejection. Thank you Jill, for the following wise words. You can follow Jill on Twitter here and read her blog here.
When I was asked by Leslee to write a Click story I was momentarily panicked. I instantly heard a voice in my head say, “No way! You can not do that. You have nothing to say. You don’t remember any click moments.” It was the voice of fear.
Fear has often stopped me in my tracks. To be honest, it has not only stopped me, but it has knocked me down and pushed me into a deep hole and then shoveled dirt on top of me. Ok, that is a little dramatic, but that is exactly how my life used to feel. I would be wandering along happily and then BAM!! Something would bring fear into my heart and I would fall to pieces.
Since January of 2009, I have been on an interesting journey. I don’t remember the specific date, just that it was a Saturday in January. I was at my baby sisters house and we were discussing the spiritual journey she was about to begin. She had recently quit a job that was sucking the life out of her and she was feeling drawn to California. I remember sitting there seeing how happy she was and how she was much more relaxed than I had ever seen her before. I wanted what she had. Then a thought came into my head from nowhere that turned me upside down.
“You get to decide. You get to choose who you are.” With that thought I was brought to tears. These were tears of joy. It was like my life had never existed until that very moment. I was so excited to finally get to live my life on my terms.
I chose a few things that day. I chose to no longer accept that I was an addict of any kind. I had recently left a 12-step group for compulsive overeating, and while in that group I had also accepted that I was probably an alcoholic. On that cold, January day I gave those labels to the Universe, and I was happy, joyous and free for the first time in my life. I chose to let my past be my past. I chose to allow myself to be happy and beautiful, even if I was overweight.
It was very much a spiritual experience, but I had a long way to go. I was coming out of the depths of my own living Hell, so there was much more work to be done. Over the next year I had my ups and my downs, but I never lost sight of the fact that I get to choose. I spent numerous hours reading all things spiritual. I also spent many hours in the therapist’s office. The day came when I decided that I no longer needed a therapist. I was ready to go it alone.
My life continued to get better. My heart opened in ways that I didn’t think were ever possible. I learned how to love myself and others fully. I recognized that I had been sharing my Spirit with a bully and got some help to get rid of it once and for all. Happy, joyous and free had continued to be my destiny.
I can’t possibly remember all of the defining moments I’ve had over the past year and 3 months. There have been many. The next one that struckme came sometime in November (or was it December). I honestly can’t remember. I was on Twitter and in my Twitter stream came a Divinely inspired tweet. I don’t remember the exact quote, but it was about giving up “chicken behaviors” and living bullet-free.
I decided at that moment in time that I wanted to be bullet-free. I wanted to live fearlessly, out in plain sight. So I committed to facing my fears and not letting them control me any longer. You see, even though I was happier than I had ever been in my life, I was still letting fear live a part of my life for me. I was still holding back because I was afraid of what people would think of me.
So starting in January 2010 I dedicated my year to living it free of fear. If something puts fear in me I know that that is something I need to do. I have faced a number of fears through my blog. I found my voice and now I let it speak. I no longer deny my spirituality. If someone wants to know who I am I tell them. I started homeschooling some of the Littles again because I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do, even if others didn’t think so. I sang karaoke for the first time recently, because it has always been something I wanted to do, but was too scared to try. And when Leslee asked me to submit a Click story, I knew by the fear I felt that I would be writing that story.
My decision to live a fearless year has not been easy. I still have fears that I have to face. I have avoided some conversations with loved ones. I have a phobia of the dentist that I will be facing soon. I have kept my truest self hidden from certain people. These are all fears that I have, but I know that each one will be dealt with. I know this because, I get to choose. And because I have chosen to live free, I know that I will face all things that make me want to run and hide. I’m done hiding. I’m living out in the open. Happy, joyous and free.