In case you haven’t noticed, I trashed the “What No Longer Serves You” post. Since I decided to return here to this space I didn’t want my bailing out post to be hanging out there anymore. Obviously, bailing wasn’t the answer to my search. It reminded me more than anything that I’m still searching and it sucks to not be able to talk about it. It seems a bit silly, but I realized coming here gives me a sense of purpose. It exercises my craft but more importantly it exercises my soul. When I take my reactions and my feelings and I put them into words and out into the world I learn more about who I am and where I’m going.
I physically bailed on this blog on August 27th when I published that last post, but I mentally bailed at the beginning of the summer. At that point I lost touch with friends (such as Musing Madman) who challenged me and helped guide my spiritual development, I stopped making time for silence, and I let my mind carry me to the future far too often. I spent oh so many hours dwelling on goals and desires that I fear will never come to fruition. I let the fears grip me to the point of paralysis. I let gratitude slide and my breathing become shallow.
I mention breath because it really is a metaphor for life. Shallow breath usually comes along with anxious feelings and anxious feelings usually accompany shallow thoughts. When you breathe deeply and consciously, you can’t help but live that way too. I’m reading the Paul Ferrini book, Silence of the Heart, now. It begins with a few pages about breath. It points out that whenever you are upset you can stop and observe that you are not breathing (or not breathing deeply). If in that moment you take a few deep breaths you will feel some relief from that angst. “One who breathes is not afraid or overwhelmed by what life presents….”
I hope that this post is the first of many. I hope I can find solace and inspiration in both the silence and the breath. I know I have experienced great peace from them in the past. Yet in the moment, returning to that peace is a challenge that should be easy but strangely isn’t. I took a minor detour on my path to self-discovery. I lost myself a bit in fear. I wanted answers that are simply not ready for me yet. Now I’m easing my way back to surrender…