Emotional Intuitive

Today I started reading Sherrie Dillard’s Discover Your Psychic Type.  The book (and Sherrie) have been on my radar for a long time and finally I have the opportunity to read it.  I just finished the chapter that totally gave me one of those “clicks” I used to write about.

I had pretty much guessed my type was Emotional, but the quiz score verified it.

Back in February my parents came to visit for Bella’s birthday.  It was a lovely weekend and when they left I felt sad.  In fact I felt more than sad.  I felt grief-stricken.  I couldn’t do anything that day but lay around and stare off into space.  At some point in the day I knew something wasn’t right.  I love my parents and miss them dearly, but this feeling was too much to bear.  It was then that the idea popped into my head that I was actually feeling my mother’s sadness.  It made sense seeing as she only sees me and her two precious granddaughters about twice a year.

Last week I was with a friend having coffee.  She was telling me about helping family members through difficult times.  As she talked to me I just started tearing up right along with her.  Even though she gave me no details, I could feel the pain around the situations.

Another day last week a friend told me they have a serious illness.  The news should have upset me but it didn’t.  Later I tried to figure out why I hadn’t cried (like I’m so inclined to do) or felt sad and I realized it’s because my friend is very optimistic and I could feel the optimism.

My relationship with Mark pretty much revolves around sensing his feelings.  Only recently have I realized that though.  If he is stressed out, I feel it.  If he’s happy, I am too.  I can sit in a cluttered house all day long and not notice it but the second he gets home I look around at the “hot spots” and get antsy.  Today he accidentally ordered the wrong flavor of ice cream and I was so disappointed about it.  Our relationship is the strongest and most loving one in my life, because of this when he goes out of town, I feel incomplete.  The love he has for me literally fills me up and when it’s not close by I’m depleted.

Those were a few examples of my emotional intuition. It explains why I have a hard time being in crowds and why I get so excited every time I go to Disney World (even though I’ve been there about 20 times now).  I loved what I learned in the emotional intuitive  chapter.  So much of it described me and the goals I have for my life.   And I have to admit I was crying even as I read the first paragraph.  That was a indicator it resonated.  This is what it said:

Emotional intuitives travel the path of the heart.  They are driven by the desire for transcendental love, connection, passion, and service to others.  They are in tune with the soul’s quest for a purpose-driven life and for the perfect union, which may be the union of the soul with God, the soul mate, or the twin flame, who is another person or entity that is their soul equivalent.

Ch, Ch, Change

I’ve been dealing with some anxiety this week, the kind that wakes you up at night and has you in knots during the day.  It’s sent me back to the meditation spot and had me calling on my angels before bed last night.  I did sleep peacefully last night and answers are starting to bubble up.

I’m worrying about stuff I have no control over, but the stress is coming from very real stuff in my life.  This week was a big week.  A big week that I wasn’t even acknowledging.  Yesterday I was writing to my “spiritual sorority” on FB and it was only as I was writing about Amy that I realized it was exactly 19 months yesterday that she died.  Another 25th arrived and I was feeling grief without even putting two and two together.

Other things have happened this week too.  On Sunday, I finished the first edit of my novel.  The story is how I want it to be now.  It may need some cleaning up, some added details, some punch – but the story is done.  It’s a huge moment.  On Monday I got things in order to start a part-time job.  It’s a great opportunity that I’m excited about (but I’m choosing not to give any more details other than that here on the blog).  And finally, tomorrow is my youngest daughter’s last day of preschool.  I thought I was happy about that fact until I started feeling all this anxiety.  She’s getting older and I have to let go of the reigns a little bit. I’m much more freaked about that than I realized.

My life is changing.  Over the next few months, I’ll have an entirely different schedule, with all new responsibilities.  The next chapter is beginning and I have no idea what to expect.  Even the good unknowns make me suffer a bit…but the suffering is sending me back to the silence, where I can find solace.

Cheaters Never Win?

Last night we watched a 60 Minutes segment that featured an interview with Tyler Hamilton.  Hamilton was one of Lance Armstrong’s teammates during the years of his Tour De France wins.  Hamilton was recently forced to come forward and testify to what, if any, performance enhancement drug use was going on.  Apparently they are gathering evidence to bring a case against Lance Armstrong.

Tyler Hamilton gave first hand accounts of plenty of drug use by all the major team members, including Lance.  He, himself, decided to give back his Olympic Gold Medal because he didn’t feel he deserved it for his years of using enhancement drugs.  I watched the interview, looking for indications that his story was a lie, but all I saw was someone surrendering and bringing to light something that had burdened them for years.  Aside from getting the feeling that keeping the secret had been a burden, it also seemed telling it was the last thing he wanted to do.  Tyler Hamilton is either a very loyal friend, wishing he didn’t have to be a rat, or he’s an excellent actor.  I believed everything he said.

I never became a fan of Lance Armstrong.  The yellow bracelet fad really bothered me.  I know he’s a great athlete.  I love that he beat cancer and helps that cause as he does.  But I think our American culture took a man and turned him into a deity.   He went beyond celebrity and icon to something more spiritual.  And even as this story breaks there are people who will NEVER believe it because to them he is too high to fall.

But if he did cheat (and based on Tyler’s story, I think he did) what does that say about our culture?  We try to teach our kids that “Cheaters never win and winners never cheat” but everywhere you look people are cheating and winning.  It has happened in political elections, on Wall Street, on the baseball field, and in classrooms across the country.  And when it comes to Armstrong, they let it slide.  He was the cash cow for the sport of biking.  I’d never even heard of the Tour De France before Lance Armstrong came onto the scene.  Suddenly everyone was talking about something that most of them had never cared about before.  Not only was it bad for Lance for the truth to come out, it was bad for the whole sport.  He had to perform at his best and be clean to keep America falling in love with him and biking.

In recent history a lot of truth has come to light about individuals, industries, and organizations cheating or abusing their power.  Does this mean we are beginning to shift the other way?  If they do in fact prove that Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs, will he go to jail?  If he goes to jail will that finally convince us to stop making Gods of men and money?  I believe in playing by the rules.  It’s only the rules that keep people in bondage that are meant to be broken.  The rules that teach us to be fair and respectful, should be followed by everyone-especially the people who are in the limelight, setting examples for our children!

Embracing the Goddess

Lately I’ve found myself thinking a lot about the Feminine.  On Mother’s Day I taught the kids at church a lesson on the feminine aspects of God.  To start the lesson, I had them all draw a personification of God.  Each of them drew some variation of a MAN.  I asked them if they’d even considered the possibility that God is a woman.  They looked at me as if I’d lost my mind.  God a woman?  Never.

Truth be told, I don’t believe God is a woman either.  I also don’t believe he’s a Man (even though by habit I refer to God as “he”).  I believe God is energy that consists of both feminine and masculine.  We have to have the balance of both.  When the balance is off, chaos ensues.  Our world is way off balance right now.  We’ve shifted so far to the masculine that all of us are beginning to feel the pain and pressure.

There is a quote that keeps popping up on my radar.  It is something the Dahli Lama said.  Something about the world being changed by the Western Woman.  I have to admit, I sort of buy into this.  We have to shift from the patriarchal “rule the world” attitude to one made up of compassion.  I think that women can lead this.  But I also think that we have to do it by embracing the  Goddess within us rather than trying to emulate male power.

Over on FemCentral this week Jennifer addressed some feminine issues, including the popularity of high heels and the rise of raunch culture.  Since I’ve read her posts on those subjects I’m seeing it and hearing it everywhere.  Rhianna sings about sex in a way that makes me blush and in Beyonce’s new video the women wear corsets and garter belts like power suits.  I know there are exceptions to every rule but I just don’t think women are wired to be aloof about sex.  I think most of the time, for women, sex and love go hand in hand, even if it’s just the hope of love.  I don’t think it’s as easy for women to separate the physical from the emotional and spiritual.  And that’s a good thing, it’s where our true power lies.

Our Goddess resides in our ability to empathize, nurture, comfort, and create.  Women are magical.  We make the world more beautiful with our softness and our love.  My big prayer right now is that this message gets louder than the one pop culture presents to our daughters.

Quieting My Obsessive Mind

I got back yesterday afternoon from the Goddess Retreat at Amrit Yoga Institute.  I had a lot of doubts about going, but I pushed through them and in the end I found what I needed.

The retreat was Thursday through Sunday.  On Wednesday night I woke up at about 2am and when I tried to fall back to sleep my mind began to race.  I thought of all sorts of tragic scenarios and had myself worked up almost to a panic attack.  I eventually managed to talk myself back and calm down enough to sleep.  When I woke up the next morning I felt better and even thought about how crazy your mind can get in the middle of the night.  Unfortunately as the morning unfolded and my departure time grew nearer the panicky feelings and worries were back.  I checked the cancellation policy and even considered backing out of it.  Again I talked myself down, quieted my mind and asked for a message.  The message was that these were irrational fears, the kind I needed to push through.  Also I felt that since last year had been such a transformative and healing experience, perhaps my ego was just fighting to keep me from switching over to Source’s side.

I’d like to say that when I arrived at Amrit a wave of peace rushed over me, but that wasn’t the case.  I was still a bit worried and unsure that I’d made the right decision in going.  I had a hard time relaxing and engaging during the evening introductory session.  It was during the first session on Friday that I received a clear message.  We had to write using several prompts.  My first prompt was a card that showed a bird in a cage looking out at other birds flying outside of the cage.  I felt like the picture was a mother bird fearfully watching her children fly off.  Then I had to incorporate the word projections into the story.  I realized that I was being that fearful mother bird, afraid to be separated from her children, projecting these frightening scenarios.  Finally I had a card with the phrase “Every Reality has been focused into being by someone.”  And there was my big message…watch out what you are projecting or it just might become reality.

For me the theme of the weekend was finding peace in silence.  Overall the group of attendees this year were very reserved and quiet.  I wasn’t really prepared for so much silence, but know that it was exactly what I needed.  At first I had to work to get my obsessive mind to shut up or at least to be kind.  But finally by the end of the weekend, I felt that sense of peace.  I again felt safe and protected by a loving energy bigger than myself.  I drove home without any worries and even saw a baby black bear cub creep out of the forest.  I took that as a good sign!

Inside Job

We watched this Academy Award Winning documentary last weekend and it was both eye-opening and disturbing.  Between news stories in the days after the financial collapse and bank bailout and a recent Rolling Stone article, I knew a lot of this already but the refresher was good.  I get the feeling it’s all going to happen again because nothing has really changed.  The CEO’s and executives of the top financial institutes have their influence everywhere.  Bank executives who were aware and involved with the “voo-doo” that crashed the economy are cycled through government positions and professors who teach the future traders and bankers are on the payrolls of the companies that stole from our government.   With a system like that there is no way to fix anything.  We’re training the future minds to continue the same practices and filling government positions with people who refuse to regulate anything.  Our financial futures are in the hands of criminals who are running the government agencies and training bright minds to be even better criminals.

In the days before and after the bailout, people were so pissed.    Now it seems just like a blip on the radar, long forgotten.  We’re back to fighting over things like abortion, gay rights, and “liberal media.”  If you take the time to look at the wealth distribution numbers in our country it is sickening.  And the bailout, well that just siphoned money from the hard-working people at the bottom to the people at the top.  Do you know that bailout money was even used to give executives millions of dollars in bonuses?  After politicians slammed wall street for it’s system of bonuses, they didn’t even bother to put a clause into place to keep them from using tax-payer money to give more bonuses.

During the housing bubble, I said on an almost daily basis that it didn’t make sense.  How was it sustainable and how could people actually afford the homes they were purchasing.  I said it over and over again, yet the news and the Fed chair kept saying that everything was OK.  It wasn’t.  They lied to us and the result was a lot of people losing (and still losing) everything.

In the midst of the bubble, about 2 miles from my house, thousands and thousands of acres of trees were cut down.  I teared up every time I drove by the scene, but they were going to build a wonderful shopping center.  To make myself feel better about the whole thing, I imagined this great place with sidewalks, fountains, ice-cream shops, and boutiques.  If the precious trees (and animal habitats) had to go at least we’d be left with a nice place to kill time.  It’s been five years since they took out those trees and all we have to show for it is a Wal-Mart, a Costco, and an abandoned Sportman’s Warehouse.  There are no sidewalks or cutesy shops.  The bubble burst and the money ran out.  Everyday I drive by a shopping center I don’t even use (I don’t shop at Wal-Mart and don’t have a Costco membership).

It’s like this everywhere.  Next time you drive out look around your area and you will see remnants of the greedy business of Wall Street and the damage they did to America.  The half built neighborhoods, the homes in foreclosure, the small businesses closed down, and your neighbors who are dealing with lay-offs and pay cuts.  I live in Florida’s capitol city.  My state elected a sociopathic, tea-party “business man” as our governor.  My city is experiencing the brunt of his ax.  Our nation’s debt is a real problem and it was made a lot worse by the bailout at the end of 2008, but no one is asking those executives to help out.  Instead men like Rick Scott and Scott Walker are attacking teachers and other government workers to pay down the debt.  It is absurd, immoral and unjust.

But I don’t really expect any big change.  Despite his campaign slogan Obama hasn’t and won’t bring any change to that industry.  The only hope there is left is for the people, the masses near the bottom of the ladder, to take a stand.  The thing is, those people, they have more important problems to face.  The remaining middle class folks have to deal with rising gas prices (which affect the price of everything else), pay cuts, health care costs, and the debt they’ve racked up by simply living the American dream.  And the poor among us, they are just trying to survive, there’s hardly time for a political fight when you’re not sure where the next meal is coming from.

In a lot of ways Wall Street wreaked just as much havoc on America as other groups, it’s just the towers that crumbled because of them are much smaller and spread out across the country so few people have to actually watch them fall.

Retreat on the Horizon?

My husband has taken three work trips in the past four weeks.  He’s only technically been away from us for 8 nights but it’s been more stressful for me because I’ve had to worry three separate times that he makes it to and from his destination safely.  As my mother always told me (and you guys might have figured out lately), I’m a worrier.

The single parent duties have been hard too.  Even though the schedule doesn’t change that much with Mark gone, the energy does.  I realize when he’s away just how much he grounds me, how much value he adds to my life, how much I need him.

With all that being said, I feel like one of those women in the old Calgon commercials.  “Calgon, take me away!”  Only thing is, I don’t have a giant bathtub or any Calgon, so I’m thinking of another option.  The goddess retreat is just around the corner.  I wasn’t planning on going this year, but suddenly the opportunity has presented itself and I’m trying to decide what to do.

As I do, I’ve been weighing the pros and cons in my head and asking for signs to stay or go.  I’ve come up with a long list of pros and only one huge con-guilt.  Guilt for spending the money and guilt for leaving the fam after we’ve been separated already so much this month.  But I also know that it’s going to be a long summer and the girls are going to have an abundance of time with me so it’ll be good for them to get time with Daddy and a break from me.  It’ll be good for me to recharge and center myself in preparation for the huge shift in our schedule.

As for signs, I very nonchalantly asked for a dream that would answer the question of whether or not I should attend the retreat.  Sure enough, I dreamed I was there at Amrit with a group of women.  I also had a second dream that I saw an old college friend and found out she was the mother of 6 kids.  In the dream she was exhausted and frustrated.  Maybe that was another sign of some kind…a peek into what I might feel like if I don’t step back and recharge.

But the most important aspect of this retreat is that it will allow me to go to a sacred place and focus on my relationship with the Divine.  Later on today, after I brush the last particles of guilt off myself, I’m hoping to officially sign up.

WFTC Turns Two!

Tomorrow is the two year anniversary of my first blog post.  Although I’ve threatened more than once to stop blogging all together, I’m still here.  For a year at least this place was my entire writing life.  I was a post-writing machine in that first year.  It would be fun to go back through and read them all.  I’m sure I’d find something in there to make me feel every emotion from embarrassment to sorrow to pride.

I also think there is evidence of my evolution here-both writing and spiritual.  There is a lot of stuff I wrote in the past that I’m not sure I’d even agree with now, let alone write again.  And the way I treat this space has changed too.  I have a healthy detachment from “Waiting for the Click” now, where it was quite an obsession for a while.

I hope that as we step into this next year, I can continue to keep my words and thoughts flowing here.  I am, as always, grateful for those of you who’ve stuck around for the journey or have recently connected with me here.  Thank you!