First things first: my anger is letting up. Maybe the last post I wrote was my official invitation to be healed of it. I’m not going to stop posting informative links on my Facebook page and if I feel like writing about politics I will with my bleeding heart behind it. But…I don’t think I’ll do it with such angry energy anymore.
I’m really starting to think that this latest political news has hit a nerve in me for a reason. Over the last few years I’ve decided I don’t want to go back to a teaching career. My students always learned what they needed to learn and I like to think for a few of them I made a valuable impact on their lives, but I wasn’t good at classroom management. And in my opinion in the teaching field that is everything. I wasn’t consistent enough or stern enough. Even with my small group of wonderful kids at church I often struggle to keep them on task. I don’t like to be the bad guy and in fact I’m not even good at attempting to be. But still I have an education degree and five years experience in the classroom. I suppose I could go back to that career and I could also go back to the routine of coming home often in tears because I just don’t feel I’m good enough at my job. So this latest news is like the straw that broke the camel’s back. On top of going back to a career that keeps me locked in self-doubt and anxiety, I’d also be even more under-paid and under-appreciated (what is happening to teachers elsewhere will happen here in FL very soon).
I have, once again, found myself in a position of wondering what I am meant to do. I love writing more than anything but I’m scared to assume that is the career for me. I’m so scared that I’m barely even trying. There was a writing contest in a local publication here. I’ve been published in the magazine twice. I could have had success in the contest but I just didn’t bother to enter. There’s another contest with a deadline of March 15. I want to enter the narrative nonfiction category and write about Amy. I’d love to get her story out in a real publication where many people will read it instead of just here on this blog. But, I’m dragging my feet…blocking myself. I’m scared.
Last Wednesday I received 1.5 copies of my book read and edited by two of my writer friends. I love this book and want it published. I haven’t even touched those edited copies yet. I’m afraid it’s going to overwhelm me and I’ll give up. I’m worried I don’t have it in me to make a book publishable. A few days ago Bella told me that she has changed her mind about being a Scientist when she grows up and she now wants to be an author. That statement made me realize it is more important than ever that I do what needs to be done to make this book a success. If I do my best and fail that is one thing, but I can’t just sit here being paralyzed by fear. I want Bella to see that I tried and not think I just wrote novel after novel and shoved them all in drawers.
I have reached the point where I must “feel the fear and do it anyway.” Over the history of my life, too often I have gotten to this place and given up. I’m not really sure what I’m afraid of. If it’s failure, well giving up is a form of failure too and if it’s success that’s just scary because it’s so unknown and unpredictable. Today I will sit down and look over the suggested edits my friends have given me. I will put in place some concrete steps to get to where I want to be. And if I do it for no one else, I’ll do it for my little girl!