Where Do I Stand Now

How long ago was it that I said I was tired of seeking?  Two weeks maybe?  I’m not even sure.  I considered clearing all the self-help books off the shelf but being the procrastinator that I am, I didn’t get around to it.

I’ve basically stuck to my plan to just be instead of reading how to be.  I’ve maintained the writing schedule and miraculously this morning finished the first draft of my third novel.  It’s done and for at least the next few weeks while I let a few friends read (and edit) it I should be able to write here more.

So the point of this blog post is to write about how I’ve felt over the weeks I’ve stepped off my spiritual path and how I feel now that I’ve reached a huge goal and am still hanging out OFF my spiritual path (which I consider all my reading and contemplation of spiritual concepts my path or part of my path) .

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been seriously stressed, more worried than I’d like to admit, and found myself tossing and turning at 3am more than once.  I have dealt with two sick kids and a sick husband for well over a week and writing a novel is no easy feat, but still that seems like no excuse for how uncomfortable I’ve felt.  I think a big part of this is because when I stopped reading certain books, I also decided not to meditate anymore either.  Screw it all I thought.  I’ll never find or understand God and I felt like I was missing too much of my life as I tried.

I will say that although I haven’t been reading about God or any of what I consider his (or it’s) business, I have been talking to him.  I’ve prayed a lot lately.  I’ve prayed for certain things to fall into place in my life, for inspiration to do my work, for my niece to have a successful heart surgery, for my family to feel better, for our country to come together, for the homeless, the poor, and the desperate.  I’ve felt so empathetic lately…with every new story I read of cuts in services to the underprivileged, my heart absolutely breaks.

Where I stand right now is in a place of a lot of emotion.  On one hand it’s good.  I stepped off my path to self-discovery (and/or God) and started paying attention to others.  I feel an amazing amount of compassion.  But I am also so freakin worried and scared for a population of my country, USA, that I can’t stop thinking about it.  An easy answer would be to do what I was doing before.  I can shove my head in books and meditate on a mantra.  I can forget about peace in my country and focus on peace in my heart.  I can convince myself that all that really exist is love, while Rick Scott cuts the entire department that helps the homeless in our state.  I can plug my ears and say “la, la, la, la” hoping God has this all taken care of, while thousands of people across the country lose everything in the name of shrinking government spending.

Going back to the positive aspect of this post, I did finish that novel I was working on.  I like it a lot and have high hopes for it’s future as long as I do the work necessary to make it the best it can be.  It’s bittersweet to be done with it.  So much of the joy in writing comes from the progress towards the destination.  Once your there the taste isn’t actually as sweet as you thought it would be…or at least that’s how I feel today.

Anyway, thanks for letting me ramble today.  I wrote this one over two days so it’s sort of all over the map, but hey, I’m posting it anyway!


5 thoughts on “Where Do I Stand Now

  1. Dave Moulton February 18, 2011 / 10:09 am

    It is all pretty simple really. God is a Universal Intelligence, Its intelligence is our intelligence. We are part of It; It is part of us. God/It creates though us; our individual thoughts (Good or bad.) create a platform from which God/It launches a new line of creativity.
    All we need to do is initiate the thought, step back and let God/It take care of the details to bring these thoughts/goals to fruition. Some may come to fruition others may not; but unless we initiate the original idea, in other words plant the seed, nothing will grow.
    So don’t give up, maybe just stop trying so hard.

    • lesleehorner February 18, 2011 / 11:50 am

      You have a very good point, Dave, I think I was trying to hard. Forgetting to do that ole surrender thing! Thanks for your comment, it was a nice reminder!

  2. meeshelleneal February 18, 2011 / 2:54 pm

    Interesting that you have stopped meditating just as I’ve started up again. I bought some meditation CDs to guide me and it’s been wonderful.

    Good luck on your journey! it is my belief that you are where you’re meant to be wherever/whenever along your path.

  3. slowdancejournal February 18, 2011 / 4:23 pm

    Leslee, first congratulations on completing what I know is a really good book!

    Second, no one can pick up the agony of the world and stand up under the weight, but what we can do is choose something we can affect and do it. The state of things would make me feel worse than it does if I were not working like crazy to keep “The Front Porch Library” going for the kids in my neighborhood. Those kids are close at hand and I know I can add enrichment to their lives.

    Contemplating all that is wrong is just as inward-turning as meditation without the benefit of finding peace. Choose something you can do and do it. It will never be enough, but when I feel that way I tell myself, I’ll take care of this and trust someone else to take care of that. If we each lift a corner we stand a real shot.

    Adrian Fogelin

    • lesleehorner February 19, 2011 / 10:49 am

      Thank you Adrian for the comment and all of your encouragement and advice with the novel. What you said is exactly right and that is one thing that I have been asking myself this week as I stress about politics and such…what can I do to make a difference? Hopefully some ideas will come to me…

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