How long ago was it that I said I was tired of seeking? Two weeks maybe? I’m not even sure. I considered clearing all the self-help books off the shelf but being the procrastinator that I am, I didn’t get around to it.
I’ve basically stuck to my plan to just be instead of reading how to be. I’ve maintained the writing schedule and miraculously this morning finished the first draft of my third novel. It’s done and for at least the next few weeks while I let a few friends read (and edit) it I should be able to write here more.
So the point of this blog post is to write about how I’ve felt over the weeks I’ve stepped off my spiritual path and how I feel now that I’ve reached a huge goal and am still hanging out OFF my spiritual path (which I consider all my reading and contemplation of spiritual concepts my path or part of my path) .
Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been seriously stressed, more worried than I’d like to admit, and found myself tossing and turning at 3am more than once. I have dealt with two sick kids and a sick husband for well over a week and writing a novel is no easy feat, but still that seems like no excuse for how uncomfortable I’ve felt. I think a big part of this is because when I stopped reading certain books, I also decided not to meditate anymore either. Screw it all I thought. I’ll never find or understand God and I felt like I was missing too much of my life as I tried.
I will say that although I haven’t been reading about God or any of what I consider his (or it’s) business, I have been talking to him. I’ve prayed a lot lately. I’ve prayed for certain things to fall into place in my life, for inspiration to do my work, for my niece to have a successful heart surgery, for my family to feel better, for our country to come together, for the homeless, the poor, and the desperate. I’ve felt so empathetic lately…with every new story I read of cuts in services to the underprivileged, my heart absolutely breaks.
Where I stand right now is in a place of a lot of emotion. On one hand it’s good. I stepped off my path to self-discovery (and/or God) and started paying attention to others. I feel an amazing amount of compassion. But I am also so freakin worried and scared for a population of my country, USA, that I can’t stop thinking about it. An easy answer would be to do what I was doing before. I can shove my head in books and meditate on a mantra. I can forget about peace in my country and focus on peace in my heart. I can convince myself that all that really exist is love, while Rick Scott cuts the entire department that helps the homeless in our state. I can plug my ears and say “la, la, la, la” hoping God has this all taken care of, while thousands of people across the country lose everything in the name of shrinking government spending.
Going back to the positive aspect of this post, I did finish that novel I was working on. I like it a lot and have high hopes for it’s future as long as I do the work necessary to make it the best it can be. It’s bittersweet to be done with it. So much of the joy in writing comes from the progress towards the destination. Once your there the taste isn’t actually as sweet as you thought it would be…or at least that’s how I feel today.
Anyway, thanks for letting me ramble today. I wrote this one over two days so it’s sort of all over the map, but hey, I’m posting it anyway!