Stop Looking

I’ve had this idea enter my mind today and it sounds really really great!  I hesitate to jump on it though, because I had an idea last week that sounded pretty good too.  It’s been a week since I had that other idea and now I’m sort of thinking good grief, Leslee, you’re such a drama queen.  (It’s so easy to let something snowball in your mind, turning a pebble into a boulder.)

Anyway, today’s idea was this:  What if I just stop searching.  I mean seriously in this moment right now the whole “seeker” idea kind of makes me want to gag.  I am arguably more distracted from my life now than I was before I stepped onto this “path to enlightenment.”

The other night we watched “Get Him to the Greek” with Russell Brand.  I was almost ashamed by how much I laughed at the profane and somewhat disturbing content of that movie.  But I did laugh, a lot, and it felt good.  I was totally present and not over-analyzing anything.  Today it hit me that it would be nice to just be like that for a while.

I want to watch mindless TV, read trashy novels (or maybe just novels period), go for walks with my family, teach my girls to ride their bikes, write fiction while eating cookies and drinking gallons of coffee, talk on the phone to people I love, and make time for friends.    The whole point to “being spiritual” was to improve my life, yet lately it seems to be doing the opposite.

I had a dream about Amy last night.  It reminded me of one of the lessons of her life and death.  She spent over three years on a journey to motherhood.  It consumed her at times and even kept her from friends (the Fertile Myrtles in her life were a constant reminder of her struggles).  In the end she finally accomplished her ultimate goal and delivered her twins,  but died before she ever got the chance to even hold them.

I’ve been consumed by a goal that I don’t even think I could identify and quite frankly today I’m just plain tired of the journey.  So excuse me as I go clean off my book shelf and make room for those trashy novels.  Email me if you need some self-help books!  😉


7 thoughts on “Stop Looking

  1. Renee January 29, 2011 / 8:35 am

    You know I love me some novels! 🙂

    If there’s anything you want to borrow, I probably have it.

  2. Toby January 29, 2011 / 10:17 am

    I love it. I think you are right. You know, I was thinking about Amy this morning, too. I am not sure what brought her to my mind, but a few minutes later “Three Little Birds” came on Nick Jr with its cartoon video. I thought about how this would have delighted her, seeing that song on Nick Jr. And I thought about the boys watching the same video. I hope someone tells them how much Amy loved that song.

  3. Jenny Defx January 29, 2011 / 10:18 am

    I love, LOVE it when you stop spinning and start enjoying Leslee. You’re amazing!

  4. Fawna Bews January 29, 2011 / 12:15 pm

    You had me at “Good Grief”.
    I’m too am thinking that the ‘searching’ is like banging your head against the wall- feels great when you stop.
    Loving your Blog.

    • lesleehorner January 30, 2011 / 10:36 am

      Thank you so much for reading and commenting!

  5. Sheila January 31, 2011 / 1:18 am

    Can you tell me about Amy? You make me want to know her.

    • lesleehorner January 31, 2011 / 9:24 am

      Thank you for stopping by, Sheila! Amy’s death was the most difficult loss of my life for sure. We met in 11th grade and were college roommates our freshman year and sorority sisters after that. I’ve written about her a lot here, but I’m guessing that you found the “Amy” category.

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