On Friday I mentioned something that gives me a big owiee when I bump up against it. I get pretty uncomfortable with the whole “Jesus is the (only) Way” thing. To me, that’s just another method of putting the power for your salvation and happiness outside of yourself. I think we each are in charge of saving ourselves. There is no incantation we can say or water we can bathe in that makes Jesus’ spirit enter our body and steer us to Heaven. (Although I do believe we can connect with him or the spirit he represents.) Our salvation requires work on our part and if anything the way of Jesus was the behavior he modeled for us.
This leads me to my most recent bump. I have a Facebook friend whose spouse left them about 6 weeks ago. In all honesty I was excited to watch my friend’s journey through this. It may sound bad, but from everything I observed it was the right path. The friend seemed to come alive and was intent on being happy on their own…until someone else played matchmaker. One date and my friend is head over heels in love. It would not surprise me if an engagement comes before the divorce is finalized.
I found myself wanting to tell them to stop right there and go back to being “on their own.” I mean sure I could say rationally it’s too soon and they should really focus on healing, but this is about more than that. The fact that it bothers me so much means it is also about me. So what is it within me that this is a mirror for. I know it sounds narcissistic but stuff bugs us because it irritates an un-healed wound within us. You can be sure when you take something personally that is really none of your business there’s more to it than just “concern for another.”
So what is it? Well I think I fear that I will never “make it on my own” when it comes to my professional life. But that I will always give in and take the easier path when faced with a challenge. I’ve already started thinking of “back-up careers” that won’t make me happy but will keep me busy when that time comes. The other thought this situation brings up for me is this idea of seeking outside of yourself. Intellectually I know that true happiness comes from within. I know that in order to love fully I must first love myself that way. But I can’t seem to do it. I continue to seek affirmation from sources outside of me, instead of looking within. I want my heart to open up wide again (I’ve felt somewhat closed lately) and when it does I want to leave it that way instead of stuffing it full of what the world has to offer.
At the end of the day I want for my friend the same thing that I want for myself. I want them to be happy and at peace. But more importantly I want them to stop searching and know that they are already enough!