So today is your birthday. I still can’t believe you’re not here. It’s been years since I’ve celebrated your birthday with you. The last time I remember was your 21st. I’m sure I was around for the 22nd and 23rd, but after that I moved away. This has been a tough week for me and in a way I’m surprised because like I mentioned it’s been years since I celebrated one of them with you. Those people who’ve been with you for most of them are having a spaghetti dinner for you tonight. I wish I could be there. Actually what I really wish is that I could call you up and say “ha, ha, now you’re 35 too, we’re so old.” But you’ll never be old, just plastered in my memory forever as a 34-year-old expectant mom. If I try real hard I can still see you waddling in the bedroom with that piece of cake for me. Why is it again that you were supposed to be on bedrest but were serving me cake? I’m sure a few people would have scolded me for letting you do that.
You know I really believe that you are still with me. A few weeks ago as I was falling asleep I thought of you. I thought about how I was on vacation and too busy to call you after the babies were born. I had two days that I could have said congratulations and I loved you but I chose to wait until I got home. By the time I got home it was too late. I don’t really have any regrets about our friendship except for that one. I went to sleep that night thinking about it and then you came to me in a dream. It had been a long time since I’d dreamed about you and I don’t believe it was coincidental that I saw you on that particular night.
I wonder what you are experiencing these days. Your mom talks about Heaven a lot. I try to think of what Heaven is. I like the way Sylvia Browne describes the other side. Basically, if I’m remembering correctly, she says it is just layered on top of this side. That we are totally intertwined and us humans are just too “closed” and stuck in our life drama to see it. So I’d say that you are floating around seeing and feeling the underlying love in everything. I’ve also wondered if you’re working some sort of magic out there too. So many of your friends have gotten pregnant since you left, including friends who had struggled for years (like you did). Not that you are the stork or anything, but maybe you’re just helping people get the timing right.
I know some people will read this and think I’m crazy. I’m sure there is a logical explanation for so much of what I experience as you still being here. On this one I don’t want to be logical, I want to be hopeful and faithful. I’ll cling to the idea that no one really knows for sure. I’ll count my frogs, my dreams, and the latest baby epidemic as gifts and messages from my favorite angel. So keep them coming and let me hold you tightly in my heart until we meet again!!
I love and miss you. Happy 35th Birthday, Little Mama (maybe that would have been my nickname for you)!
PS: I just reread this and have to say I soo wouldn’t have nicknamed you Little Mama…it’s pretty dorky. (And quite frankly it’s probably you who brought the dorkiness of that to my attention anyway!)