Love Too Much?

I was reading a discussion in a forum recently and the topic was “Can you love too much?”  There were a couple of comments from people who expressed how they had relationships where they did love too much and it broke their hearts.  They had given so much of themselves and received very little.  The result was they had closed up and tried to keep themselves from loving.

My first thought after reading was that perhaps the giving didn’t come from a place of true and unconditional love.  I myself have been guilty of giving in order to get a place in good standing with another person.  I specifically remember doing this with my mother-in-law when we first met.  I wanted her to like me so that she would encourage Mark to marry me.  For a lot of years I kept an inward scorecard where I’d tally up all the “super-wifey” things I did and if Mark ever complained I’d go through the list reminding him how lucky he was to have me.  I love him and have always loved him but that was not the way that I expressed it.  In those moments more than anything I was expressing my insecurity.

I think that “loving too much” is a brilliant way to live, but it must be unconditional love.  I have set the intention to love this way.  A perfect example of this kind of love is what you experience as a parent to a newborn.  The baby cries in the middle of the night, you get out of bed and feed them.  Months (or years) later when the child is sleeping through the night you barely remember the hours of sleep that you lost on their behalf.  You would never expect your child to pay you back for this love, you give it without conditions.

To receive you must give.  Too often we have a picture in our mind of the kind of love we’d like to experience.  We think of the ways a person could change or the things they could do for us to prove their love.  When they don’t meet our expectations we decide we have loved them too much.  We have given so much of ourselves and have received nothing.  In reality we have probably experienced the exact equivalent of what we’ve given through some other source.  Maybe our best friend surprised us with a special spa day or our parents came for an unexpected birthday visit.  But since the love didn’t come from the person whom our love was bestowed upon, we feel unloved, broken-hearted, and worthless.

The best way to experience true love is to give up your expectations of how it will come back to you.  Look for the moments when you heart sings and embrace them.  Love because it feels amazing to love.  It really all does come from inside of you, the minute that you close up because someone has let you down is the minute you close off the flow of love that you can experience.

So yes, I believe you can and should love too much.  If we all loved too much and without conditions the world would be a beautiful place.


5 thoughts on “Love Too Much?

  1. eastkentuckygal May 24, 2010 / 4:50 pm

    You are exactly right about love coming to us through many facets. It doesn’t have to be the person we “loved”. We loved them because we felt they needed it. That is all. Otherwise it was not with the right intentions, and we should expect nothing. This is a great reminder. I thank you for it.

  2. JennyDefx May 24, 2010 / 6:00 pm

    WOW! My BF is going through something just like this. Her friends had a surprise birthday party for her Friday night, took her out on the town the night after and had another family get-together on Sunday.

    When she realized she hadn’t heard back from that one person that hadn’t replied to her email (from last week), she hung on to that wondering “what she had done wrong” or if she should email her again just to “check in”.

    My FB post today was for her. I had not read this yet but am glad you nudged me to do so. I tend to get this way also with those that won’t or can’t “love me” the way I need them to.

    My BF (and now you), have shown me a valuable lesson that I can take with me as I trudge the road to happy destiny. Or maybe just to live life on life’s terms and let the rest of the BS fade.

  3. rageomatic May 24, 2010 / 11:26 pm

    What a tombstone. Rage Omatic, 1980 – 2048 He loved to much.

    You can’t love to much. You can love badly as I have before, but never to much.

    • lesleehorner May 25, 2010 / 7:05 am

      And that’s a good way to sum it up…

  4. mickeyrooney May 25, 2010 / 7:15 pm

    ‘Loving too much’, as it was explained to me by my Rastafarian friend Jahman 8 years ago, is an expression that explains a situation that happens when the love you have for your partner and your relationship, exceeds the love you have for your own personal development, the cultivation of your freedom, the maintenance of your freedom of choice, which is a fundamental personal right.

    Free will, or the right to freedom of choice also entails the right not to use that right, for whatever reason. still, who are you, when you don’t have any choice-possibilities? in truth you are unlimited. still, your choices are what defines you and your life.

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