Tamara Levitt (aka @SuperSpiritGirl) is the founder of Begin Within Productions. At http://beginwithin.ca she shares resources, blogs, original music and videos designed to inspire and assist others in navigating the world of today. For the past 15 years, her dedication to her own personal development, through study, contemplation, meditation and integration has been paramount. She has actively explored a wide variety of spiritual practices, traditions, and healing modalities. Her production company http://www.beginwithinproductions.com creates multi-media properties (including books, television/film projects and ancillary) to entertain, educate and empower individuals.
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We always have a choice
For the most part, people perceive me to be a strong woman. I’m independent. I’m confident. I’m one of the last people anyone would expect to end up in a really messed up relationship, yet somehow, a few years ago, I found myself in one. I couldn’t have predicted it. He adored me. He treated me like a queen. He thought I was perfect. That is, until he inevitably realized that I wasn’t perfect. And once he got comfortable in our relationship he became jealous and controlling. And because he couldn’t control me, he got mean. Later he’d apologize, would promise it would never happen again, but of course it would. I offered him the benefit of the doubt. “Most of the time he was wonderful. He was only that way sometimes,” I’d tell myself. I wanted it to work.
Let me be clear; this is not a pattern for me. I tend to attract healthy, loving, evolved relationships. This behavior was foreign to me, which was part of the reason I didn’t recognize it for what it was. And besides, how could this happen to “ME?”
From the time it became unhealthy, I let it continue for less than three months, but it was exhausting. And I let it go on for three reasons. #1 –I loved him. #2 – I wanted to offer him the opportunity to change. After all, I had made successful shifts in my own life so I wanted to support him in making the changes he strived towards, and #3 I wanted it all: the marriage, kids, house and the white picket fence. And I thought for a time, that I could achieve those things with him. As the rolling stones like to say, “You can’t always get what you want.” Thank god.
I’ll spare you the details of the relationship. Instead, I’ll take you to my breaking point; or perhaps I should refer to it as my “breaking – open” point.
One day, after a fight in which cruel words were spoken, I took a walk near the waterfront. I was crying, exhausted, and had completely lost all perspective. I couldn’t make any decisions with clarity. My tears continued to flow for hours. Eventually when I was too weak to continue, I stopped to sit and meditated on a rock facing the water. I finally found some calm within myself. I could breathe. It was then that I had a conversation with my higher self and asked what to do. I said that I thought I still felt love for him. I said that I desperately wanted this to work but didn’t have any more energy or answers. I said that I didn’t know how much more of this I could take. I was at my breaking point. And I still remember this like it was yesterday… That little voice inside replied, saying
“You have a choice.”
My tears came to a to stop. And a quote came to mind that I’d always lived by. “You will be treated the way you allow others to treat you.” I put that philosophy into practice for many years. I had learned to demand nothing less, than to be treated with love and respect. I simply wouldn’t respond to anything else. And in that moment it became clear that it was time to stop giving him the benefit of the doubt. I remembered that I had options and one of those options was to leave.
“You have a choice.” I repeated the words out loud to test the freedom they carried, and let them resonate through me. I did have a choice. We always do. And I knew which one I had to make. I took a deep breath, walked home, ended the relationship and never looked back.
I chose me.