Forgiveness

So thanks to my conscious connection group and reading the books, Ask Yourself This and Writing Down Your Soul, I have been posing some serious questions to myself.  Once I decided to do this answers have arrived as well as more questions.

I believe in the Law of Attraction and that if you make requests of The Universe, or Spirit, or God and you truly believe it is yours to do or yours to have, it will arrive in your life.  This is, however, easier said than done.  I have believed for several years now that I am meant to help people through sharing messages and stories.  I dream of a career as an author who also speaks and leads workshops.  This is a vision I created for myself shortly after I read The Secret.  Three years later, I have written two novels and over 100,000 words worth of blog posts and planned a workshop integrating some spiritual practices. I have made great strides towards my vision, but I haven’t reached the pivotal point where the vision becomes my career and life’s work.  After too many rejections from literary agents, I shelved the two novels, and the workshop, back in 08 I scheduled it to be held at my church and then canceled it a month later in response to a fear I couldn’t quite overcome.

Lately, I’ve been working on a new project.  I’m almost to the “take action” part of the plan and I am terrified.  So, I have been asking why?  What do I need to do to be ready?  What I am finding is that old memories are popping into my head.  Most of the stuff I am remembering is not pleasant.  I am reliving embarrassing moments, careless decisions, and times when I was downright hurtful.  Most of the stuff that’s invading my thoughts happened years and years ago.  It’s stuff that I should have moved on from and let go of, but instead I am finding that it is all still there within me.  Then there are the words that were either said or implied about me growing up as “the baby” in the family.  Spoiled and selfish.

I have been journaling about these memories.  I’ve given a voice to my guilt and anger.  In soul-writing you put down your thoughts and wait for spirit or “the voice” (as Janet Conner calls it) to answer you back.  On Thursday evening, I frantically wrote what came into my mind.  I was told that I was loved, that I needed to let go of the past, stop worrying about the future, and that I had work to do and people that needed me.  The messages went on for 3 pages and at one point my writing got so large it was as if Spirit was shaking sense into me.

In the days that have passed since that message, it has become clear to me, that what is blocking my vision is lack of forgiveness.  Today in church, someone was talking about a book on the importance of forgiveness.  The author of this book had led workshops on the Law of Attraction for years and what she discovered was that the people who had the least amount of “baggage” were the most successful at manifesting their dreams.  It is vital that we let go of guilt, shame, and regret in order to become the best we can be.

Yesterday I posted a great quote from Carol Burnett.  It mentioned blessing, praising, and letting your foes go.  My foes are those voices and memories that play like broken records in my mind.  They do not define who I am in this moment.  Without even realizing it I’ve carried them with me.  My goal is to forgive myself and those who have judged or mis-judged me.  I’ve already succeeded in leaving a couple of bags behind, but I will probably discover more down there in the basement.  As I find them I will forgive them, bless them, and gently send them on their way.

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5 thoughts on “Forgiveness

  1. Kiva April 12, 2010 / 9:01 am

    I don’t think I even made it past the first chapter of the book. And maybe 15 minutes into the movie. I sat there thinking to myself ‘I’ve been doing this for the last five years.’ And it’s also why I’m spiritual vs. religious. Heh. It’s kinda nice, seeing I’m not completely off my rocker. 😉

    I’d love to record you at the workshop. 😀

    • Kiva April 12, 2010 / 9:03 am

      Er, through The Secret, that is. LOL Brain moves faster than a splinted hand.

    • lesleehorner April 13, 2010 / 8:35 am

      I had to teach myself to do it…I definitely had not been. And, sure, if I ever get around to presenting the workshop, you can record it! Thanks Kiva!

  2. Janet Conner April 16, 2010 / 12:31 pm

    Leslee: Your post on forgiveness is so precious and important. Hafiz, the great Sufi mystic poet, has the perfect poem, “Forgiveness is the cash you need.” That’s in The Subject Tonight is Love. In all my courses I share forgiveness experiences that really help a person release and let go of the black cloud (so love your picture!) that is keeping you hostage to the old story. I applaud you for diving into forgiveness. It is miraculous. I’m convinced that freedom is on the other side of forgiveness, And only on the other side. Love to talk more about forgiveness, success as a writer and teacher, and writing down your soul! Janet

    • lesleehorner April 16, 2010 / 2:27 pm

      Thank you so much for stopping by, Janet. I started to send this post to you since I mentioned you in it, but didn’t get around to it, so I’m glad you found it. I do have some forgiveness work ahead of me. It’s interesting what continues to come up, even as you have been doing inner work for years. I am very thankful for you for gifting us with “Writing Down Your Soul.” And I would love to talk more with you about writing and everything else…

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