This week our group met to discuss Chapter 2 in the book “Ask Yourself This” by Wendy Craig-Purcell. This chapter was a tough one because it required you to take a good look at who you are right now. The first question was:
Who do I think I am? (Do I focus on my light or do I dwell upon my shadow?)
I realize the effectiveness of positive thinking. I like to think that I have become a glass-half-full kind of person, but when I answered this question I saw something different. Despite all the books I’ve read and the stuff I’ve written about the importance of accepting, embracing, and loving yourself fully, I still struggle. When I answered the question “Who do I think I am?’ a list of negative traits came up and onto the page: forgetful, disorganized, flakey, not good at balancing relationships… I didn’t let myself go further and tried to think of some positives: kind, generous, smart, creative… But even as I was writing those that shady voice was piping in you’re not generous, you didn’t even send your dad a birthday present… you’re not creative, you can’t even follow through on that idea you have…you forget things and you…
So there it was staring back at me. I do in fact dwell upon my shadow. When I was young I pegged every positive person as conceited. If anyone complimented me, instead of saying thanks, I’d argue they were wrong. That was somehow noble, I guess. If I was average, I would be a threat to no one. If no one was threatened by me, then there would be no reason for them not to like me. For the most part it worked. I think everyone either liked me or had a totally neutral opinion of me. I was quiet, friendly, and went along with the crowd.
I’ve taken a big step in the past year by starting this blog and putting myself out here in an honest way. In this place I can say all the things I think and believe without having to see the reaction because most of the time people decide not to comment. There are a number of people who I think read that I would never have the courage to state my ideas to in person. I think there are people who have stopped reading my blog because they don’t want to know the truth about me. I very often feel huge amounts of fear as I am about to publish a post. I fear the rejection. My thoughts are not average. People who thought I was “one of them” are discovering that either I am not, or they have to redefine what “one of them” means.
So who am I right now:
I am a person on a journey, questioning everything. I am kind and generous with bouts of forgetfulness. I’m creative, but disorganized. Common sense is my most valuable attribute. I say yes to being the best mother and wife I can be, learning, spiritual growth, creating,and connecting with others. I am looking for ways that I can contribute to the greater good and see where I fit into the puzzle.