Ask Yourself This (2)

This week our group met to discuss Chapter 2 in the book “Ask Yourself This” by Wendy Craig-Purcell.  This chapter was a tough one because it required you to take a good look at who you are right now.  The first question was:

Who do I think I am? (Do I focus on my light or do I dwell upon my shadow?)

I realize the effectiveness of positive thinking.  I like to think that I have become a glass-half-full kind of person, but when I answered this question I saw something different.  Despite all the books I’ve read and the stuff I’ve written about the importance of accepting, embracing, and loving yourself fully, I still struggle.  When I answered the question “Who do I think I am?’ a list of negative traits came up and onto the page: forgetful, disorganized, flakey, not good at balancing relationships…  I didn’t let myself go further and tried to think of some positives: kind, generous, smart, creative… But even as I was writing those that shady voice was piping in you’re not generous, you didn’t even send your dad a birthday present… you’re not creative, you can’t even follow through on that idea you have…you forget things and you…

So there it was staring back at me.  I do in fact dwell upon my shadow.  When I was young I pegged every positive person as conceited.  If anyone complimented me, instead of saying thanks, I’d argue they were wrong.  That was somehow noble, I guess.  If I was average, I would be a threat to no one.  If no one was threatened by me, then there would be no reason for them not to like me.  For the most part it worked.  I think everyone either liked me or had a totally neutral opinion of me. I was quiet, friendly, and went along with the crowd.

I’ve taken a big step in the past year by starting this blog and putting myself out here in an honest way.  In this place I can say all the things I think and believe without having to see the reaction because most of the time people decide not to comment.  There are a number of people who I think read that I would never have the courage to state my ideas to in person.  I think there are people who have stopped reading my blog because they don’t want to know the truth about me.  I very often feel huge amounts of fear as I am about to publish a post.  I fear the rejection.  My thoughts are not average.  People who thought I was “one of them” are discovering that either I am not, or they have to redefine what “one of them” means.

So who am I right now:

I am a person on a journey, questioning everything.  I am kind and generous with bouts of forgetfulness.  I’m creative, but disorganized.  Common sense is my most valuable attribute.  I say yes to being the best mother and wife I can be, learning, spiritual growth, creating,and connecting with others.   I am looking for ways that I can contribute to the greater good and see where I fit into the puzzle.


5 thoughts on “Ask Yourself This (2)

  1. JennyDefx March 12, 2010 / 9:23 am

    It’s only been until lately with the help of your blogs that I can “talk back” to those negative voices that chime in all the time. I reinforce the good things I’ve experiences, the lessons I’m allowing myself to learn and the people I have come to know.
    Having you in my life allows me to fight back saying “Hey, you Mr. Negative…I have people that love and support me so take a hike!!”
    I love your honesty. It keeps me growing. Get it? Instead of “going”, I used “growing”. I’m so cute 🙂

    • lesleehorner March 12, 2010 / 9:42 am

      Thank you so much Jenny. I consider you one of my cheerleaders, those people that remind me to keep doing what I’m doing even if it frightens the hell out of me sometimes. And you are, indeed, growing!

  2. Will March 13, 2010 / 4:05 pm

    Very well-said! Our perspective truly determines our reality. You change the former and it steers the latter in its direction. Good for you for putting yourself out there. You clearly have so much to offer!

    • lesleehorner March 13, 2010 / 8:43 pm

      Thanks so much for stopping by my place, Will!

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