I’ve come to realize over the years that I am a drama junkie. I actually think most of us are. Good drama, bad drama, sad drama, glad drama…it doesn’t matter, it feeds a hunger in me that I want to overcome.
I realize this now because things are very peaceful in my life. My little family here in Florida is happy and healthy. Friends call and they ask what’s new? I answer that everything is exactly as it has been for at least 6 weeks, nothing is new. I feel a little uneasy at my answer. Something in me wants to say “OH MY GOSH! You will not believe what happened!”
I don’t think I’m alone in this attitude. What I am trying to figure out is why we (or I) do it.
At times I think it’s avoidance. Instead of setting intentions and working towards goals, I let myself get distracted. I let things I read or hear get under my skin. I over-analyze other peoples’ behavior and the ways in which it affects me.
At other times it’s attention. When I wrote my first novel I was the most obnoxious person to be around. “Hey, I’m writing a novel.” “Look, over here, me, me, me…I’m writing a novel.” “Did I happen to mention that I’m writing a novel.” I was so excited I couldn’t shut up about it. It was so dramatic…like pigs flying and hell freezing over. I could not stop myself. Time of course allows you perspective and I would like to sincerely apologize to everyone who had to listen to me talk incessantly about that damn novel. And I’d also like to thank those who listened patiently and those who dared to read the thing.
The last reason I can think of right now for the need for drama would be fear. I think there must be within us all a fear of not being enough. We want to be interesting and we want people to desire our company. Without the lights, sound, and set design how will anyone find us? I can think of several relationships in my life that revolved solely around gossip. If there was not something to say (mostly negative) about someone else the relationship was dull and lifeless. I found myself getting caught up in conversations I wish I’d never been a part of for the purpose of connecting and being a part of the group. If I admitted how wrong it was to say the things I was saying and to listen (mouth closed) to unloving remarks, I would be admitting that in that moment I was an outsider.
I’d say right now in my journey I am walking through a pasture filled with daisies. It’s quiet, peaceful, and lovely…yet I’m getting restless. I’m picking up speed, pulling out the binoculars looking for the mountain. There happens to be no drama in my life…but I must admit I’ve looked at others to find some. Yesterday I was letting myself steam a little about something someone else is doing. It isn’t about me, but I’m sure trying to make it be. I talked to my friend Ray about it and he smiled, shook his head, and said “It’s not your stuff.”
He’s right, it’s not my stuff. I’m tired of creating drama. I want to take advantage of this peace and quiet in my life, to go inward and grow spiritually.
Take it away Mary….