Philip’s Click

A few days after Nicole sent in her click story starring Philip, Philip contacted me and asked if he could share a “click” as well.  In the following he shares the story of his search for his birth mother.  You can find Philip on Twitter and here at his blog.

“Click at the end of a long search”

I would like to take this opportunity to tell about the search for my birth mother. It’s not really good news,that’s why I’ve been putting it off.

I was born, May-31-1971 in Michigan, and was immediately placed for adoption. In Michigan between 1959 and 1972 adoption records are private,and all information held by the state is sealed. Since 1972 it is possible to open sealed files only in cases where both the birth parent and the adopted party mutually agree. There is a state registry in which either party can register in hopes of finding the other.

This process is handled by county court appointed, or an adoption agency appointed,  “Confidential Intermediary” This person registers their client with the state , and gains access to sealed records, which allows them to contact the other party.

I finally went forward with a Confidential Intermediary search.  I got some non-identifying information and after some hard digging by my C.I. from Child and Family Services she was able to make contact with my birth mom.  Well,what was said was that she was not interested in contact but would send some medical information and some type of explanation of how I came to be.   Ouch, that stung a little bit, but I knew that it was a possible reaction so I took it in stride, awaiting this “explanation” letter to come.

After a couple more weeks my C.I. called and told me that she had the letter/info from my birth mom.   She told me that there was also a note to her stating that she was still not interested in contact and not to release any identifying info to me.

My C.I. forwarded the medical info and the note to me from my Birth mom. I call it a note because it was only 3 paragraphs, large type, not quite filling the page.   She told me about how I came to be, that she was married, but separated.  I was conceived in another relationship she had during the separation.  She told me she reconciled with her husband, and it was decided that I be placed for adoption.  It was then she said that I became someone else’s child, and that she was unattached and couldn’t ever look at me as her own.  My birth mother stated that she was comfortable with her choice, and she feels that giving me to another couple was the best thing she had ever done for another person.

Wow, I didn’t know how to feel, I was crushed.  All my life I have known I was adopted.  When I was young I didn’t understand the emotions that were involved, my parents told me I was loved by them and also by my birth mom.  As a child it’s hard to get a good handle on it.  How could she give me up?  Ws it my fault somehow? I understand that’s non-sense, and really never felt that way, but as a kid I knew a lot of things that I really didn’t fully understand.

Kids I went to school with would always ask,”do you want to meet her?”, I did and I didn’t. I wanted to know who she was but felt I didn’t want to disrupt her life.  I wanted just to see her and I would figure out later if I felt she was approachable. In this state I am not allowed to know, it’s the law, but  I thought with how I’ve seen this world change, and with reunions on T.V., and the internet’s ability to connect people, that love would bring us together someday.

I am disappointed, I really wanted it to happen, I feel empty for putting my heart out there, letting myself get obsessed with finding her, spending the countless hours of searching, thinking of her constantly, not to mention the money I put up for this search.

I do not know if I will search for my birth father, I never felt that I had the same kind of connection with him. It is possible for me to pay for another search, I could search him out, or perhaps an older half-sister that I just found out about through this process, but I don’t want to cause my birth mother any grief, or make her mad, by my searching out her daughter, (that may or may-not even know about me)she is only a year and a half older than I am.

On the positive side, now I know. I did what I could to facilitate contact and I have met many wonderful people along my search that have been supportive and helpful and have given me the love that I need. I didn’t find my Birth Mother but, I realize I have great family and great friends.  I am a social , loving person, and have room in my heart for more.
There will always be a place in my heart for my birth mother if she ever decides to change her mind. This goes for all of my birth family as well.  Perhaps we will unite someday.

3 thoughts on “Philip’s Click

  1. Philip January 7, 2010 / 8:11 am

    My Click was when I realized all the family I ever needed had been there all along.

    My deepest gratitude Lesslee! Thanks so very much! Philip

    • lesleehorner January 7, 2010 / 2:04 pm

      I thought of you the other day. Someone told me a story so opposite of yours. The adoptive mom was searching for the child (who is a tween) and actually sent her a Facebook message saying “Hi, I’m your mom!” YIKES!!! That was not a fun thing for the adoptive parents to have to handle.

  2. ray January 7, 2010 / 2:01 pm

    Thanks for shariing Philip. I’ve gained insight in areas that I’ve never considered before.

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