I don’t know if I’m really numb or have just been “shocked and saddened” so much lately that there is no shock or sadness left to feel, but tonight I got the news of another death. For any new readers that may not know, one of my best friends, Amy, passed away on October 25th just two days after giving birth to twins and on December 11th one of my Twitter friends, Traci, passed away unexpectedly. This evening I listened to a message on my answering machine from my mother. I could tell by the tone that someone had died. I couldn’t reach my mom but got a hold of my sister who informed me that the man that I worked for in college for over 4 years had passed away. He was more than my boss at the Hallmark store, he was a family friend (who hired me b/c of that connection) and later became a personal friend. He helped in the planning of my wedding and was one of my honored guests. Kent and my job at the Hallmark shop was probably the most stable thing in my life during college. For 5 years, he was a lot like the big brother I never had. I can’t even remember the last time I saw Kent. It may have been my wedding. After I moved away we sent one another Christmas cards for a few years, but ultimately lost touch. Our mothers have been friends for decades, so I always kept up with him through her. He was only in his early 40s and his death has preceded both of his parents.
There are just no words to express what I feel for these families as we are only 4 days away from Christmas. The fog of grief (at the loss of Amy) is slowly starting to lift for me. I haven’t made it to acceptance yet. I think of her everyday and have at least one cry or almost cry. I think of the babies and imagine her taking care of them and suddenly remember she isn’t (at least not on this plane). I have dreams about her and wake up wishing I could tell her about them. But I am feeling peace about my life. I have stopped imagining the worst-case scenarios and feeling panicked. I am getting back to my spiritual practices and listening to my intuition. I wish there was a way to absorb some of the pain of others. The pain of losing a child or a partner is something I cannot fathom.
This year I have been reminded how fragile life is. Everything can change in a blink. I am holding these families in my heart this week and sending them love.
I don’t know that this song fits this post necessarily…but it’s so moving. Also, it’s sung by the incredibly talented, Jeff Buckley, who also died too young and unexpectedly…