Numb

I don’t know if I’m really numb or have just been “shocked and saddened” so much lately that there is no shock or sadness left to feel, but tonight I got the news of another death.  For any new readers that may not know, one of my best friends, Amy, passed away on October 25th just two days after giving birth to twins and on December 11th one of my Twitter friends, Traci, passed away unexpectedly.  This evening I listened to a message on my answering machine from my mother.  I could tell by the tone that someone had died.  I couldn’t reach my mom but got a hold of my sister who informed me that the man that I worked for in college for over 4 years had passed away.  He was more than my boss at the Hallmark store, he was a family friend (who hired me b/c of that connection) and later became a personal friend.  He helped in the planning of my wedding and was one of my honored guests.  Kent and my job at the Hallmark shop was probably the most stable thing in my life during college.  For 5 years, he was a lot like the big brother I never had.  I can’t even remember the last time I saw Kent.  It may have been my wedding.  After I moved away we sent one another Christmas cards for a few years, but ultimately lost touch.  Our mothers have been friends for decades, so I always kept up with him through her.  He was only in his early 40s and his death has preceded both of his parents.

There are just no words to express what I feel for these families as we are only 4 days away from Christmas.  The fog of grief (at the loss of Amy) is slowly starting to lift for me.  I haven’t made it to acceptance yet.  I think of her everyday and have at least one cry or almost cry.  I think of the babies and imagine her taking care of them and suddenly remember she isn’t (at least not on this plane).  I have dreams about her and wake up wishing I could tell her about them.  But I am feeling peace about my life.  I have stopped imagining the worst-case scenarios and feeling panicked.  I am getting back to my spiritual practices and listening to my intuition.  I wish there was a way to absorb some of  the pain of others.  The pain of losing a child or a partner is something I cannot fathom.

This year I have been reminded how fragile life is.  Everything can change in a blink.  I am holding these families in my heart this week and sending them love.

I don’t know that this song fits this post necessarily…but it’s so moving.  Also, it’s sung by the incredibly talented, Jeff Buckley, who also died too young and unexpectedly…

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12 thoughts on “Numb

  1. Renee December 21, 2009 / 9:11 am

    I’m so sorry, Leslee (again).

    • lesleehorner December 21, 2009 / 1:33 pm

      thanks Renee.

  2. kgirl December 21, 2009 / 9:25 am

    This time of year seems to amplify our losses, especially such recent ones. Peace and love.

    • lesleehorner December 21, 2009 / 1:32 pm

      Thank you….

  3. Jase December 21, 2009 / 1:02 pm

    Les,

    Thank you. My thoughts to you on your loss, and thank you for your thoughts on mine.

    I signed into twitter today for the first time since that day, and came across your entry. Numb is a good way to put it, though the grief is almost unbearable at times.

    I miss her so much. And feel so lost. But i’m trying to pick up the pieces, for our kids.

    She made me a better man, and a better father. I’m going to rely on that in the days to come.

    Namaste,

    Jase

    • lesleehorner December 21, 2009 / 1:32 pm

      Jase, I have thought of you and your family so much since you told me. I’ve stopped by your blogs and looked at Traci’s Twitter page. If she only knew the meaning her last tweet would really have… (I’m sure you have seen it and thought the same.) She had just sent Happy Birthday wishes to Callee on the 9th. Remember to contact me if you need anything and know that I am sending love your way….

  4. Stephanie Faris December 21, 2009 / 1:08 pm

    (((HUGS))) I’m so sorry. I lost someone who was like your boss a couple of years ago…and I still think of him every day. I believe they touch us and their legacy lives on through us…that’s the one thing we can do to honor their memory. Just make them proud.

    • lesleehorner December 21, 2009 / 1:34 pm

      Thanks for stopping by my blog, Stephanie and for the cyber-hugs. It has been a tough Fall that’s for sure!

  5. Kasey December 21, 2009 / 3:42 pm

    Lots of love, my friend…I needed to hear that song…thank you.

  6. Shannon December 21, 2009 / 6:02 pm

    Leslee-
    I think about you so often and want you to know my heart is with you. I’m sorry for the great losses you are experiencing this year. I find it so beautiful that you are using writing and connecting with others in such an authentic way, as one of your ways to cope. Take good care of yourself this holiday season and know you are loved.

  7. Stacia December 22, 2009 / 5:59 pm

    L, I am sorry that it has been such a difficult couple of months. You are very strong and better at recognizing and dealing with your emotions than most, even if it doesn’t always feel like it. The best we can do is honor the ones we lose by carrying with us what we learned from them and celebrate and be thankful for how they touched our lives. I will do my very best to see you next week! {{HUGS}}

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