It is Wednesday night. Tomorrow I am posting a beautiful click story from Kim Wencl and on Friday you will read this. It occurred to me that following Kim’s love-filled post with a sad and angry rant might not be the best idea, but right now I want to put what I feel into words.
It’s been a little over a month since Amy died. I don’t really get this whole grief thing – I’m new to it. I’ve been told, much to my dismay, that you don’t really move through the stages of grief evenly as much as you bounce around between them. I think in the beginning I just skipped anger.
There’s a reason for everything.
We all choose our path and make our contracts before we enter this life.
We are all going to learn and grow because of this.
Amy completed her journey, accomplished her goals, achieved her dreams, and she was ready to go.
Something good will come from this.
This is what I told myself. This is how I kept from getting angry. But tonight I sat down to meditate and all that I could think was WHAT THE FUCK?
I want to call my best friend. There are things I need to tell her. And yes, I know, she’s with me and she’s listening and she’s sending me signs. I know this, I really do. I get the signs (or some of them) and I understand. But what I really want is to hear her say “I’m proud of you, Les.” I want to hear her ask me to move back home just one more time. I want to hear about her big plans to redecorate the house. I want her to write on my Facebook page about how “Aunt Amy” will play dress-up and put on make-up with Bella and Callee. I want her to be standing in front of me so I can look at her one more time and be in awe at how small and perfectly shaped she is and wonder how the hell she got her hair to grow so long and thick so quickly.
The thing is mostly I’ve gone back to the routine. I think about Amy as much as I did before she died. I think about her when her name pops up on Facebook, when I hear or see something that reminds me of her, or when there is something I want to tell her. Because of the distance she wasn’t a daily part of my life. I don’t experience the loss as much as others. So here I am feeling so sad and so lost and then I think of Kristin, Tim, Susie, Brad, and Candie and I just think what the fuck?
From what I have read on Facebook, Gavin came home from the hospital today. I want Amy to call me and tell me what it’s like to have both of her twin baby boys home. But then I remember, she’s not going to call. Christmas day will mark the two month anniversary of her death and Gavin and Brantley’s first Christmas. What the fuck? It sucks and tonight I’m angry about it. For the first time, I’m really angry. It is just not right. It is not right that my best friend died without ever seeing or touching her baby boys. It is not right that her husband, mom, and sister have to hire a nanny to do the job that she was supposed to do. It’s not right that she doesn’t get to be the matron of honor in Kristin’s wedding. And it’s not right that I can’t call her and talk to her RIGHT NOW!
So tonight, in this moment, I am totally human and filled with a very sad anger. Since I can’t call Kristin (we usually cry..I mean talk every week but she’s out of town) and cry in anger with her, I did it while I typed. Thanks for bearing with me on this one.