It is Wednesday night.  Tomorrow I am posting a beautiful click story from Kim Wencl and on Friday you will read this.  It occurred to me that following Kim’s love-filled post with a sad and angry rant might not be the best idea, but right now I want to put what I feel into words.

It’s been a little over a month since Amy died.  I don’t really get this whole grief thing – I’m new to it.  I’ve been told, much to my dismay, that you don’t really move through the stages of grief evenly as much as you bounce around between them.  I think in the beginning I just skipped anger.

There’s a reason for everything.

We all choose our path and make our contracts before we enter this life.

We are all going to learn and grow because of this.

Amy completed her journey, accomplished her goals, achieved her dreams, and she was ready to go.

Something good will come from this.

This is what I told myself.  This is how I kept from getting angry.  But tonight I sat down to meditate and all that I could think was WHAT THE FUCK?

I want to call my best friend.  There are things I need to tell her.  And yes, I know, she’s with me and she’s listening and she’s sending me signs.  I know this, I really do.  I get the signs (or some of them) and I understand.  But what I really want is to hear her say “I’m proud of you, Les.”  I want to hear her ask me to move back home just one more time.  I want to hear about her big plans to redecorate the house.  I want her to write on my Facebook page about how “Aunt Amy” will play dress-up and put on make-up with Bella and Callee. I want her to be standing in front of me so I can look at her one more time and be in awe at how small and perfectly shaped she is and wonder how the hell she got her hair to grow so long and thick so quickly.

The thing is mostly I’ve gone back to the routine.  I think about Amy as much as I did before she died.  I think about her when her name pops up on Facebook, when I hear or see something that reminds me of her, or when there is something I want to tell her.  Because of the distance she wasn’t a daily part of my life.  I don’t experience the loss as much as others.  So here I am feeling so sad and so lost and then I think of Kristin, Tim, Susie, Brad, and Candie and I just think what the fuck?

From what I have read on Facebook, Gavin came home from the hospital today.  I want Amy to call me and tell me what it’s like to have both of her twin baby boys home.  But then I remember, she’s not going to call.  Christmas day will mark the two month anniversary of her death and Gavin and Brantley’s first Christmas.  What the fuck?  It sucks and tonight I’m angry about it.  For the first time, I’m really angry.  It is just not right.  It is not right that my best friend died without ever seeing or touching her baby boys.  It is not right that her husband, mom, and sister have to hire a nanny to do the job that she was supposed to do.  It’s not right that she doesn’t get to be the matron of honor in Kristin’s wedding.  And it’s not right that I can’t call her and talk to her RIGHT NOW!

So tonight, in this moment, I am totally human and filled with a very sad anger.  Since I can’t call Kristin (we usually cry..I mean talk every week but she’s out of town) and cry in anger with her, I did it while I typed.  Thanks for bearing with me on this one.


13 thoughts on “WTF?!?

  1. Renee December 4, 2009 / 8:57 am

    It’s still very new. And you’re right: It’s not right.

    The stages of grief are killer. And you do bounce around them, feeling some of them (or all of them) more than once. Even once you get to acceptance, the others come back. It can take a day, weeks, months or years. You can be fine for several years and then one day have a complete breakdown over it.

    Eventually, though, you do move past it. Because if you didn’t move past it, you wouldn’t be able to move on. And you have to move on. You will.

    But sometimes we just have to feel things in their entirety.

  2. Michelle England December 4, 2009 / 9:32 am

    Hey Lesless, thanks for the warning about the tissues. I have asked myself these same questions over and over. I look at Andy and am filled with so much love. Yes, I have a momma’s boy. I think of Gavin and Brantley growing up and not knowing that bond. I think of them getting older and knowing that they do not even have a picture of their wonderful mother’s loving arms wrapped around them. I also feel angry with myself. For not keeping in touch with my sisters, because I was angry with certain other sisters. I also feel angry for not picking up the phone and calling Amy when she was at home on bedrest. I am home everyday, why didn’t I just pick up the phone and call. My early New’s Years resolution is to try and keep in touch better with my friends. Expect more emails from me, just to check in and say hi.
    Thank you for sharing your emotions with us. Sorry for leaving such a long comment.
    I love you Leslee and am glad that we are sisters.

  3. Jeannette Oglesby December 4, 2009 / 10:02 am

    Dear Leslee,
    I am sorry for your pain and for your friends family.
    I was widowed after 34 years of marriage. I learned that grieving is very individual and no one can tell another person how to grieve.
    Allowing yourself to grieve through meditation, prayer and writing, and counselling, will allow you to express feelings that only you are feeling.
    My experience was one of not wanting to let go, to always feel my loved ones presence. I think it is a gift to your loved one to let them rest in peace.
    Understand that the extent of your misery is not proof of how much you loved. Your loved one would want you to be happy and to go on living your life. The people we hold dear are always in our hearts and we are comforted by the beautiful memories of our time together.

  4. Kim Wencl December 4, 2009 / 10:48 am

    Leslee – it’s perfectly alright to be angry – you have every right to be angry – the most important thing you can do is to always acknowledge your feelings, no matter what they are, and feel them to the Nth degree.

    My experience has been that when you acknowledge and feel what you are feeling you then deal with it and it leaves you and you move on to whatever is next.

    You can always choose to pretend you’re not mad, but then it stays with you and will rear up again at some other time and some other place … so feel it, acknowlegdge it and then let it go.

    The grief journey isn’t easy and once you are on it, it becomes a part of your life and you have to deal with it the best way you can. Doesn’t mean you can’t still be happy or joyous and live life to the fullest, it means you are forever changed.

    What would Amy want you to feel? I always ask myself that question about Liz and that works too.

  5. Jennifer December 4, 2009 / 11:09 am

    Wow… Les you are writing EXACTLY how I have been feeling. My family keeps telling me I need to move on, be happy because that’s what Amy would have wanted, etc. but I am just MAD. She was THE nicest, sweetest, most genuine person I ever knew and if ANYONE deserved those sweet babies it was her and it makes me sick everytime I think that she didn’t get to hold them or touch them. This is NOT how life is supposed to cycle! I still haven’t been able to say that Amy d…, I’m just saying that she passed. I don’t know if part of me is thinking if I don’t say that then it never happened, but I just don’t want to accept it. I miss her so much, after my dad’s surgery I was going through my list of people to call and had to stop myself because I was getting ready to call her.

    Thanks for sharing… I’m always here if you need to cry/”talk” 🙂


  6. Stacia December 4, 2009 / 11:24 am

    I totally agree with Kim. Don’t bottle things up… it will explode at the most inconvenient time if you try to suppress your feelings. No two people grieve on the same schedule or same way. You do whatever you need to do… it hasn’t been that long, and so it is normal for you to still be “in it” back and forth. There will be good days and difficult days for some time to come. Over time, days will get easier, I promise. You will always miss her, and you may always feel like wtf? about the situation because it is crazy given her age and circumstances. It is impossible to understand and make sense of it, really. I mentioned to you last night that I still have moments of thinking about my dad and how my life would be different if he had lived past the age of 27. It’s not going to change anything and I grew up and live my life without a father… but we never completely let go of those loved ones that were close to us. Don’t worry about how you “should be coping” or what anyone else thinks… but do take care of yourself. Sometimes it is healthy to have distractions and make yourself focus on other things, but sometimes you will need to be sad, emotional, or just angry. And, Renee is right about bouncing around… you will be caught off guard sometimes but our feelings are complicated. Eventually you will move on, not forget or care less, but feel more functional and normal, and if we weren’t able to get there, there would be no sense in us sticking around either. Amy wants you to be happy and live life to the fullest, but I know she understands where you’re at now too. Heck, if I checked out early, I would hope at least a couple of people would be sad (at first) and miss me! ;o)

  7. avionicsman December 4, 2009 / 4:07 pm

    Death is never a fun thing! I lost my dad this year on my wedding day. It was sudden and he went quickly, but seven months later I still miss him too. Leslee you will never forget your friend, the anger may subside over time, but your love for her will never diminish.

    Wishing you all the best.

  8. john cave osborne December 4, 2009 / 4:44 pm

    a wise man once told me something as it pertains to the death of the young and healthy–you can’t ever get over it, but you will get through it.

    there’s not one single thing i could possibly write in this response that would not come off as trite. words are horribly inadequate for situations like this one. but maybe these five won’t sound so trite. maybe they’ll mean something to you, b/c i mean them.

    I’m proud of you, Les.

    i can tell that you are one incredible friend. how’s tim doing? do you know? pls DM me or email me. i’m bad about checking back on comment threads.

    this was a beautiful post. you did your feelings justice. and then some. jco

  9. lesleehorner December 4, 2009 / 7:34 pm

    Thank you all for your supportive comments! I definitely feel very loved today!

  10. Amanda December 4, 2009 / 7:39 pm

    I know it doesn’t make things better but you are normal! Les, it will hit you in waves. Sometimes it will be unbearable. But you will get through it. I still remember when Suzi died. I still think of my friend Paul. I still think of Alex. But time – it doesn’t heal the wounds really as much as you learn to live with them. Then one day? You will finally accept it. You won’t like it but you’ll accept it. Then you will truly smile again. Love you sister…

  11. shannon h December 4, 2009 / 8:45 pm

    Very nice…. I certainly understand your anger. I was soooo angry at the world while we were in limbo during the nightmare that was our adoption. Anger is an easy emotion. It makes me so angry that murderers and rapists can live long and happy lives while people like Suzi and Amy are taken away from us. It is impossible to rationalize….. But, all you can do is smile and enjoy each day you have…..

  12. Kasey December 5, 2009 / 1:17 pm

    I love you Leslee…I am thinking about you quite often these days. The Lord has been putting you on my heart and I pray for you often. No words can take away your feelings or comfort you…I know that…I sure wish I could take your hurt, pain and anger away…I really do. I am here for you always, I hope you know that! {whether you want me to be or not…(smile)}
    Isn’t it funny, how we who love to write and have ways with words…just know…that there are NO words for things like this…I sure wish there were…I wish that words could just remove all sadness, etc. I am here for you…as are many of your friends and family as you go through this awful thing called grief…lean on us, let us cry with you and love you through this. Much love my friend. -k

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