Dear Amy (my stuff)

I’ve allowed myself one week to write to you and about you on the blog.  Tomorrow I’m going to tell your favorite story and then go back to the old routine, well with the exception of the click stories.  (I’ve received four already and plan to post them on Tuesdays and Thursdays.)  For my last letter I just want to tell you how I’ve felt.

I guess it was nearly a year ago when I made my “25 things about me” list on Facebook.  One thing I thought about including in the list and did say in a comment was “I am not who I used to be.”  I wanted to make it clear to everyone who knew me when I was younger that I was not proud of a lot of my choices.  When you read that though, I think it hurt you.  I can’t exactly remember (see that’s why I need you) if you actually told me or I just got it via Kristin, but I’ll never forget the gist of what you said.  It made you sad that I felt so much regret for that time in my life, because for you it was a wonderful time.  You were right beside me on that journey, picking me up when I slipped, helping me laugh when I wanted to cry, and just simply having FUN!  Somehow I’d forgotten all that fun and chose to focus on the “bad” stuff.  You wanted me to remember it the way you did.  The funny thing is, once I was told what you really thought of me not being who I used to be, I DID start to remember it differently.  I chose to reflect on the good and I began to change.  I started to accept and embrace the past, letting go of all the guilt I’d held onto.  Those little steps of self-acceptance and self-love opened my heart.  Over this past year I have begun to love more deeply and more passionately and I believe you had a big role to play in that.  I thank you so much for the gifts you have given me over the past 18 years.

I also want to tell you that I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for moving so far away.  I’m sorry for missing so much over the years.  I’m sorry for crawling into my own little world and forgetting to reach out to those of you who had invested in me for so long.  I’m sorry that you only met the girls a few times.  They would have loved you so much and you them!  I’m sorry for not sending pictures of them.  I’m sorry for not staying with you when I’d come to NC for visits.  I’m sorry for not expressing enough gratitude for all the lovely gifts you sent me and my family over the years.  I’m sorry for not telling you I loved you enough, but glad I at least said it recently.  I’m sorry for dumping my drama on you and not taking enough time to ask you how you were doing.  You have taught me so much about living and I’m sorry I am only realizing it now that you have made your transition….

Here are a few things I’ve learned from your example:

1.  When you find people you connect with, stay connected.  TALK ON THE PHONE to the people you love! (I’m easing in to this one, you know I’m not a phone person.)

2.  There is nothing wrong with asking for what you want and expecting to get it!

3.  Be generous and helpful.  Reach out to people in need.

4.  Life is short, make the most of it.  Have things, do things, and be with people that feed your soul!

5.  Seek your own answers, make up your own mind, and don’t let anyone ever pressure you or guilt you into doing/being something you DON’T want to do/be.

I’ll probably think of more lessons later, but those are the ones that stand out to me now.  Thank you for the biggest gift of all (that came in the tiniest little package): YOU and your beautiful friendship!!!

I know you loved 80’s music and singing Karaoke.  This is the first song we ever sang at Rainbow Deli!

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3 thoughts on “Dear Amy (my stuff)

  1. Marcy Rossi November 6, 2009 / 12:56 pm

    Leslee, have experienced the same thing. My definition of my middle twenties was all about “me” and running away to get my life going. Feel guilt about not nurturing the relationships that really helped define me as a women. Don’t know if we are products of our culture to try and exceed the male standards or if it is something else….?

    I think we all have learned from Amy that we need to be in touch and embrace our relationships…not worry about the past…and all keep growing!

    Remember, I love you no matter what your past was. All my memories of you are rocking awesome. I think you, as Amy said, are hard on yourself, looking at situations with judgement. We all are unique in our journey’s and the path(s) we take make up who we are and our contributions to our worlds.

    ZLAM-Marcy

    • lesleehorner November 6, 2009 / 1:21 pm

      Thanks Marcy!

  2. Heather November 6, 2009 / 3:46 pm

    Leslee – agree with Marcy. You and I have discussed regret many times and letting things go. It is funny how much of it is about perspective. Amy looked at those things that we “regret” in a different way, and I am finding that almost always, others are much more forgiving than we are to ourselves. She will probably let us off the hook for that “regret” we feel for not being physically present more often, not voicing our love and appreciation of our friendship as often as we should have. We are all learning the hard way that we need to cherish our friends and family while we are here on this earth.

    FYI, I love the old and the new you – one in the same, growing, ever changing, my friend always.

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