Finding My Self

So I feel it is time for me to specify the title of my blog.  First and formost I will address the byline “Reflections on my path to self-discovery.”  On my “about me” page I say something to the effect of when I finally find my Self, I will not have traveled alone.  It seems that some of my readers have vastly misunderstood the meaning of that sentence.  I never felt the need to explain or defend myself before, but today I am compelled to do so.  Because simply put, the value of the words of this sentence do not just benefit me but anyone else whose heart might be touched by them.  I have an unwavering belief in the words of Jesus when he said “The Kingdom of God is within you.”  Just like I learned from the book “Mere Christianity.”  It is our connection to God that provides us with the feelings that guide us.  They direct us toward those things we should do and lead us away from those things that would be detrimental.  I believe we choose to be cut off from or in tune with that connection.  I call that connection, the divine guidance within me, my higher Self (always capitalized).  So when I say I am always searching for my Self, I mean that I am awaiting the moment where I can move beyond my egoic needs and wants and my worldly attachments and live always by the presence of God within me!  To further explain my point I will add another quote from Jesus.

“Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”
(Matthew 6.31-34 ESV)

It is this quote that brings me to the next point.  The title “Waiting for the Click” is the expression of my search for enlightenment.  One teacher I have studied the works of is Joel S. Goldsmith and he described this moment as a “click.”  With that click his Christ consciousness was awakened and he truly experienced the meaning of the above statement made by Jesus.  Once he reached that level of consciousness he was aware always that God goes before him and all his needs are met.  I know this at an intellectual level and hope to one day reach the point where I feel it within every cell of my being.

So to any who have wondered, my path to self-discovery has very little to do with me and everything to do with following God’s will for my life!

And to further show the point of the similarities between religions I will re-post Sunday’s quote from Autobiograpy of a Yogi.  This quote came from a Hindu Yogi, not a Christian, but it is the exact same message that Jesus put forth in the above quote.

“Never admit that you live by the power of food and not by the power of God!  He who has created every form of nourishment, He who has bestowed appetite, will certainly see that his devotee is sustained!  Do not imagine that rice maintains you, or that money or men support you!  Could they aid if the Lord withdraws your life-breath?  They are His indirect instruments merely.  Is it by any skill of yours that food digests in your stomach?  Use the sword of your discrimination, Mukunda!  Cut through the chains of agency and perceive the Single Cause!”

God is that Single Cause!


12 thoughts on “Finding My Self

  1. Christine October 13, 2009 / 9:57 am

    Leslee –

    As I mentioned via Twitter last night, I love your blog.

    I realize that I don’t know you nearly as well as many of the persons who post on your site, but I’m still struck by how odd it is for people to refer to the “person you used to be,” etc. We all grow (hopefully!) as the years pass, and I really respect that you’ve taken the time and energy into doing just that. You’re not a different person from the Leslee I met years ago…the sweet, fun-loving cheerleader who helped me learn my routines in tryouts. You’re continuing to evolve over time, as I certainly hope that I will do, as well.

    I feel like I stumbled upon you and your blog at a particular time for a specific reason. I lost a very dear friend back in May, and you remind me so very much of her. She and I talked for hours about many of the topics you address in your blog, and over the past decade that I knew her, she is someone who urged me to think broader and deeper…to get past the ego…to understand that we’re all connected to something much greater. I feel her when I read your writing, and that is extremely comforting to me. Thank you for continuing to open my eyes as she did.

    I find it ironic that your “path to self-discovery” is interpreted so literally by some (as selfish), when in truth it is just the opposite. It’s not about “you” at all. But, if I’ve learned anything in my life, it’s that we all approach life from such different perspectives, and the lenses through which we view the world color everything we see.

  2. Renee October 13, 2009 / 10:12 am

    Perhaps “the person you used to be” is the same person you are, but people never bothered (wanted?) to see that person and ascribed to you a “self” that fit their expectations rather than who you really were/are.

    I agree that people change and grow. But the fundamental self remains the same.

  3. Tara October 13, 2009 / 10:15 am

    I really think Christine just took the words out of my ‘mouth’ in that I don’t see this as being about you, you, you, but it does seem to be that others read it and are concerned about me, me, me.

    The path to Self-discovery, as you said, is a winding one and one filled with ups and downs, but it is one worth traveling.

  4. OpinionatedGift October 13, 2009 / 10:48 am

    What Christine and Tara said.

    By the way, there’s plenty of us already here for you, and we’re not judging you.

  5. kitterztoo October 13, 2009 / 1:29 pm

    I truly believe in a “universal church” where there is one “higher power” but is known by different names. Even Christianity alone is divided into subsects where Baptist & Catholics can’t get along. Who is to say that you aren’t correct in your views? Perhaps there is reincarnation. Is it so frightening to have an open mind and possibly understand that there may not be only ONE name for this higher power? No one can possibly know the absolute answer. To say they know for sure is ignorant.

  6. Amanda October 13, 2009 / 3:34 pm

    Les, I am a staunch Irish Catholic. I married a Southern Baptist. We had his preacher he grew up with and my priest that had been my personal friend for over 15 years marry us at the ceremony, which was right on the altar at St. Patrick Cathedral here in Charlotte… We get along just fine, because we realize that at our core, we have the same fundamental belief system. One of us just moves around a bit more at church, with all the standing, sitting, kneeling that goes on at Mass.

    I have a Jewish friend that is very close to me – we both know that ultimately we have the same core belief system. How is that?? Her book, the Torah, is the Old Testament in mine. And Jesus? Yes, he was a Jew…

    There is a very mystic side to my faith, and maybe that is because we Catholics have been around for 2000 years or so, I really don’t know. But part of my Catholic schooling was religion class every day. From kindergarten through 12th grade. We didn’t just have classes on Catholicism. We had classes that explored the fundamentals within not only the different sects of Christianity, but other faiths, for understanding. I had classes in my Catholic school on Islam, Hindu, Judaism, Buddhism, even on the Baha’i faith… All for understanding. Why? Because one of the things that being around 2000 years has brought is evolution of thought. An understanding that there has to at least be an understanding of what everyone’s thought processes and belief systems are.

    Bottom line for me? No one in my core faith has the right to judge but God himself… You are on the right path because you are trying to *learn*. How that is a bad thing I will never understand or be able to support…

  7. Joy October 13, 2009 / 5:11 pm

    You are feeling into your truth. You are putting it into the world (and blessing us all by doing so). You are accepting your whole, real, ever-changing self. You are guided by what you know in your heart to be true. It is impossible for there to be seven billion people on this planet and only one true way to live. The only way for there to be peace is for each of us to recognize the highest in each other. I absolutely recognize it in you and appreciate that you so generously share your ever-deepening wisdom about it all. Continue to be your strong, beautiful, authentic, intelligent, wise, astounding, goddess of a self. Know that you are among a billion of us black sheep, and we all love you.

  8. julian October 13, 2009 / 6:02 pm

    just one of your unsaved, hell-bound, Ganesha-lovin’, Gnostic-Gospel-readin’, Thomas-Paine-quotin’, Equanimity-seeking, Om-chanting, Eight-Fold-Path-Walkin’, Jesus-freak [deep breath] virtual friends checkin’ in to show some love.

    hang in there girl… I know it’s hard.

    mucho love and light from Texas.
    ~ Jules

    • lesleehorner October 13, 2009 / 6:29 pm

      Julian, have to tell you that about a year ago I had a clear and vivid dream that I was hanging out with Thomas Paine. I got up the next morning and googled him b/c my memory being what it is, I had forgotten the history lesson. I still haven’t read Common Sense or the one about religion. Must put them on my list…

  9. jane aka faerian October 14, 2009 / 8:29 pm

    i think “selfish” is always used by people who are concerned that their own needs are not being met, or being threatened by the action they label

    so what if you talk about me – you can only talk knowledgably about yourself because that is what you truely know…

    and you give those of us who read your blog a gift each time you reflect on your path….

    let he who is without sin throw the first stone

  10. Stacia October 15, 2009 / 5:55 pm

    L – I think you would enjoy reading Thomas Paine. It’s been about 10 years since I thoroughly read his work, but I remember a lot of it, just like Thoreau always sticks with me. I don’t believe that reading teachings or ideas other than from the bible is “dangerous.” I agree with Amanda.

    This also comes to mind because when I was taking the lit class that explored the above authors’ essays, much of the class became very upset. The teacher would ask students questions about their religion and when they couldn’t answer some of the questions, the teacher was accused of attempting to brainwash all of us. It was really sad. All he was doing was prompting us to think, instead of merely reciting what we have heard from others, and to be able to explain why we believe what we believe.

    Most organized religion is convinced that their way is the right way, and clearly everyone can’t be right if it means all other non-believers are condemned in the end. I grew up in a very religious family, attending Baptist church 3 times per week as a child. While I took a lot of positive experiences and lessons from that time, I never understood when superiority or judgment was displayed by persons in a religion that has a commandment “Thou shalt not judge.” (That has been some of my personal experiences, not labeling or generalizing.)

    I think we all should extend understanding, compassion and tolerance to one another, instead of condemnation and judgment, including Catholics to Atheists and everyone in between. It is absolutely possible to believe in living your life by Christian principles (which as you pointed out is very similar to other religions) and study other religions as well. Unfortunately most people only find comfort in putting people in boxes… if you don’t pick a box (the “right” box), fit in the box, and stay, without straying from the box, you may be up for judgment, scolding, rejection, or just being misunderstood. Some of the people I know who do not label themselves and/or actively participate in a particular religion are some of the most kind-hearted and loving people I have ever known. People can connect and be supportive of one another with the same fundamental approach to life, even if they both can’t agree on existence of heaven or hell or how literal the bible should be interpreted. I personally don’t believe in living my life so that I will get to heaven… to me, that is selfish, seeking a self-reward in the end.

    Well, I’ve babbled enough, and would like to end by stating that I know how much you love writing and hope that you will not feel the need to censor yourself moving forward! ;o)

  11. Kasey October 18, 2009 / 8:13 pm


    I love you yesterday, today, and tomorrow – always…unconditionally.

    I really appreciate and enjoy your blog…and that is just what it is, YOUR blog. You have to use words such as I/me/my/myself…and that is what makes it yours. I am with Stacia and hope with all sincerety that you will not feel the need for any censoring!

    xoxo – k

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