Politics Screw With Love

Almost everything that pokes at me and sends me out of my comfort zone these days originates from Facebook.  I think this window we’ve created for ourselves into the lives of people we know, but don’t really know forces us pull our heads out of the sand and admit that there are all kinds of other viewpoints out there.  If we can’t embrace each others’ differences, we at least have to learn to accept them because they exist and denying the existence doesn’t change that fact.

For me the button that is most often pressed is the one in charge of my politics.  I know that I am not the only one that could admit this.  Today a friend posted something that was so very true, yet left me feeling a mixture of angry, sad, and fearful.  I’ll try to paraphrase what she said:

Do you ever notice how when you find out someone’s political beliefs your opinion of them instantly changes and you no longer feel the same about them? It’s interesting that that happens.

Reading that made me sad because, after two years of being her Facebook friend, I know her political views and they are not the same as mine.  It was a reminder that the instant I am open about being liberal there are people who will think less of me and perhaps even write me off.  The comment made me angry because it means that all the respect and love that brings us to a relationship in the first place can be torn apart in one moment of categorizing ourselves.  Finally it made me fearful because, like I said before, it was a very true (for probably most people) statement.

I’ve been in both situations before.  I’ve been in the place where you’re hanging out with a new friend, you like them and see the potential for a great relationship and then the subject of politics come up.  They say something that lets you know their on your team and suddenly you feel those warm fuzzies.  In your mind you’re running through a field of daisies with some sweet song playing.  In one instant an alliance has been made, and yes, you like this person more than you did the moment before.  I’ve also been in the moment where the new friend expresses a political opinion opposite yours and the sound of a record scratch resonates in your head.  How could this be?  She/He can’t possibly be one of them!  And just like that, you’re not so sure you could ever find common ground with this right-wing/left-wing crazy (gotta love how our ego exaggerates)!

If there is something I want to transform about myself it is this reaction.  I want to see myself have these snap judgments and be able to take a time-out to pray for God to heal my thoughts and help me see what’s real.  In reality we all just want the same basic things.  We want to feel safe and loved.  It doesn’t matter what your political party affiliation is.  The negative reactions about our differences come from fear and that fear is used so well in politics to divide us, even from those we respect and love.

More and more these days I am finding friends on the other side of the fence whom I have so much in common with.  I am better for having them in my life and hope that in the future my political allegiances never keep me from connecting with people like these smart and loving ones I already know!

*A note to my FB friend if she is reading*

I hope I didn’t offend you by paraphrasing you here.  Thank you for inspiring me to look within at my own reactions.

Caren’s Click

I met Caren through the Owning Pink Posse and more specifically through Megan Harner’s “Journey to Health” blog.  We connected and cheered each other on in our spiritual and healthful paths.  In the following Caren shares how her “sexy journey” led to a big realization about what she really wants out of relationships and life. You can read more from Caren at her website The Perceptive Woman.

A Different Kind of Sexual Awakening

I don’t remember when I first discovered I was a sexual person perhaps it goes so far back that my forty-six year old brain has tucked it away for safe keeping. Suffice to say, I learned at an early age how to use my looks and sexuality to get what I wanted, or so I thought. I have been defining myself by my sexuality for years. Never really looking for love but more for the relationship or encounter of the moment was how I lived my life. I dated but the ultimate result ended up being a very hot sexual relationship more than a meaningful, mindful one.

I can remember being on an airplane in my late thirties and reading a book with a political subject and having a man look at me and say, “YOU are reading that book?” As if to assume that me; with my big breasts, perfectly manicured toes, perfect hair and makeup, could not have a brain. At the time, I thought it was funny, giving me more reason to look at men as a game rather than a partnership.

I didn’t realize this was what I had been doing until, I saw something about an ex boyfriend on the internet. He and I had dated and could have gotten married. But he broke my heart and I never fully recovered. It was in that moment that I used my insecurities to give way to a lifestyle without love but filled with plenty of physical contact.

No longer was I looking for a relationship, that idea left me in my late twenties, I was more about casual dating. No man was going to get the best of me. I was not going to be hurt again. But it was the underlying current of the past that I finally realized why I was using sex as a means to find love. I let myself be defined by my circumstances at the ripe old age of twenty-one. My pattern went on for years and then as easily as it began, it stopped for a while. I was in a self imposed sexual drought. I put on weight so that no one would want me. I became best friends in the gay community and set out on a sexless road. That lifestyle came to a crashing halt several years ago when I met one of my latest ex-boyfriends.

He was a catalyst for me to be sexy and sexual again, but the reality was the pattern was about to repeat itself. After he and I dated for a short time, we decided to just be friends with benefits and so it went for another year. I finally had enough of him and embarked on internet dating, where I went on countless dates. I met so many men, but they just wanted to take me home. I didn’t go. I finally met someone online and embarked on a relationship that was not all about the sex. There were real feelings there.

So fast forward about two years and I have finally realized how much I allowed my sexuality to not be sacred. I put myself into that box and am now climbing out of it slowly. I no longer want to be seen as a sexual being, but a woman, with beauty and brains. I cringe at the men that look me up and down. I know men will be men and they are visual creatures but I have yet to come to terms with it.

What I have come to terms with, is me. I am a vibrant, beautiful, and yes, sexy woman. I am smart. Beauty, brains, and sexy all rolled into one. I have been fighting the system and not dressing the part of the sexy woman, going so far as to not do my hair or makeup, all in the name of hiding. But what I am realizing is that I am hiding from me. I am re-learning that sexy is about confidence not just sex. I can be sexy and smart and still be respected, not just by men, but by myself. It has been a re-birth of sorts for me to awaken to a new kind of sensual and sexiness. The kind of sexiness that is just for me and whomever I feel like sharing it with. I share it because I want to, not because I have a need to prove anything. I find my validation in other ways. Life is so much sweeter when you find what you have been searching for all along is inside you. I want that version of me to emerge. I will now only engage in the physical when it is for me and my partner. No hidden agenda, just love. This sexy woman is now looking for love in all the right places.

Jase’s Click

Jase is one of the very first friends I made through the blog world and Twitter.  I connected with him and his then fiance Traci.  We read and commented regularly on each other’s blogs.  Jase and Traci were both very supportive when Amy passed away.  Sadly enough I got to return the favor and offer what I could (an ear to listen) when Jase lost Traci last December.  I am so honored and grateful to have Jase here sharing the story of his loss, grief, and the healing he has found through love.  He has included both of his blog addresses here so you can find those if you’d like to read more from him.

A click, a loss and the aftermath …

Early in 2009 I was given a second chance by my then girlfriend.

The quick backstory is I’d cheated on her, but it wasn’t just the matter of me cheating. The truth is I’d been a cheater for years. I cheated on my first wife. I cheated on the people I was cheating with. And after finding Traci and falling in love with her, I cheated on her. I was a serial cheater and looked everywhere for an explanation … or so I thought.

In late 2008 we separated, I moved out and not long after that I realized I was throwing away a pretty incredible relationship. And, admitting that to her, I fought hard to win her back, but she told me no. Repeatedly.

She told me I needed to change.

And over time, through honesty, hard work and determination, I did, and she was willing to take me back.

My click came during a gut-wrenching phone call made to my parents. Specifically I called to ask for advice from my father before I moved back home to Traci. I was in tears, frantic, scared.

During the course of our conversation he told me that the choices I make are mine, and that he and mom would support any decision I made. He told me he could tell me what to do, but wouldn’t, because the burden of that choice, good or bad, would be his, and not mine. He also told me that I needed to live up to and honor whatever choice I made.

I don’t remember his exact words, but they were something like this.

“You need to stop messing around. You’re not a kid anymore, there’s no status in what you’re doing. If you don’t stop it, you’re going to grow up to be a bitter, lonely old man.”

He went on.

“Your mother and I have had our share of problems. We’ve fought like crazy. But I honored her each night by walking in that door. I may not have wanted to walk in it, but I did it every night. You need to do that.”

My dad’s an emotional guy as it is, but as he said this he was choked up and I knew he was crying.

His words cut to my core. They weren’t spoken in anger or as an admonishment. They were spoken in a somber, gentle tone, almost like a request … like one last lifeline he had to throw out to his son.

Through meditation I’d already begun to change, but hearing my father’s words, the emotion in his voice, the anguish both he and my mother expressed over the phone, it finally clicked.

I cheated because I was immature and selfish. I’d looked everywhere for an explanation for my behavior except for the one place that mattered … myself. My choices were completely within my control and I needed to stop looking outside of myself for an explanation and own up to it and take responsibility for my actions.

I vowed, from that moment on, to clean up, to honor Traci and honor our relationship. And I did. From that moment on, the beginning of April 2009, I was faithful in word, thought and deed.

Our relationship bloomed again. We reconnected. We made wedding plans for January 2010. There were challenges, but we fought through them together. We had an amazing eight months.

Yes, I say had.

On December 10, 2009, moments before she was to meet me for our commute home together, there was an accident. I frantically texted her, called her, hoping to hear her voice and find that she was ok.

She never answered.

In a moment, a heartbeat, I’d lost everything I’d fought so hard to get back.

I’d never again kiss the woman I’d kissed goodbye that morning. I’d never feel her head on my shoulder. I’d never feel her hand in mine.

I didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye.

The plans we’d made, the hopes we’d shared, the dreams we’d dreamed together … were gone.

I could write thousands of words and I’m not sure I could convey the depth of my loss. My wish is that none of you would ever have to endure it.

In the weeks that followed I realized I had a choice (As an aside, I’m not trying to minimize what I went through … in the interest of space and the time, I’m condensing things quite a bit. If you’d like to read more about my journey you can visit my blog – hopeintheaftermath.wordpress.com).

I could wallow in my grief, cloak myself in my loss and be a victim. Or I could do my best to pick up the pieces and move on.

Or, as I told someone at the time, “I could either own this, or it could own me.”

Which goes back to my click.

It came down to me being responsible for how I dealt with the loss. I could throw away all the progress I’d made, all the positive changes I’d made, and return to old ways and self-destructive habits.

Or, I could take the lessons I learned on my own, and the lessons that Traci taught me, and I could choose to take the hard way out, to fight to see the positive when everything was bleak. I could choose to be as strong as I could at any given moment, understanding my limitations, and be the dad and man I needed to be.

I could choose, simply put, to live. Another click.

And as I looked at it, I saw no better way to honor Traci’s memory, and what she taught me, and the relationship we had, than to live the life I’d fought so hard to rebuild.

So I made that choice … and some days were better than others. Some days my grief was debilitating. Some days I managed to laugh and smile. Some days I just did what I could to get through the day.

But I didn’t give up.

Winter gave way to Spring and in early May, while on Facebook, I came across the name of an old high school sweetheart. I’d not seen her, heard from her or really even thought of her since we were kids – 22 years ago.

But I sent Ketra a friend request and a message, just wondering how she’d been, what she was doing.

As it turned out, her life was in roughly the same place as mine, though for different reasons. So we began to talk … innocently at first. But the more we talked, the more we both knew something bigger than we’d expected was happening.

We ended up sharing our complete stories, the good, the bad, the ugly … as I put it, warts and all. There was no holding back. There were no walls. Just two people – who for so long hid behind walls and other means of protecting themselves – being vulnerable.

She invited me out to see her in San Diego. I accepted and we planned a June visit. As May gave into June we realized we’d fallen for each other, again, and the visit would be more than just two old friends hanging out.

We talked a lot about where we’d been and what we’d gone through. I told her a lot of the things I’ve written here, the bad, and the good. She did the same for me.

And that weekend, in the desert, with the winds blowing through the palms as we sat and talked for hours, we began to talk about forever. In the dark I took her hand and I asked her to marry me.

And she said yes.

She showed me faith and trust, and my father’s words still rung in my ear … “…I honored her each night by walking in that door…”

As I write this, Ketra is days away from moving back home to me, and to walking into the door that is the gateway to our home.

And I come back to my click moment.

Sometimes I wonder, fearfully, where I would be were it not for my click?

Had I not changed, would I have been able to survive the loss that I experienced?

Had I not honored Traci for the last eight months we were together, would the guilt, literally, have killed me?

Had I not grown up, and finally become a man, would Ketra have responded to me? Would she have opened up to me? Would she have let me in?

Would we be together, on the verge of forever?

Obviously these are rhetorical questions … but I think I know the answers to all of them regardless.

And thankfully, I know the key to making sure the relationship we have is the relationship we want.

It’s the key called honor that fits in the door to “our home” … and it’s one I’ll gladly turn and walk through each night, from now until our days are done.

Thank you dad … for helping me find my click. I love you.

Note: I’ve mothballed the blog I mentioned earlier. Not that my “journey through loss” is ever going to be over, but my life is about more than just that journey now. If you’d like to read more about my life, my family and whatever else comes to mind, visit our new family blog, theedgeoftheearth.wordpress.com

Incomplete Thoughts

I have three different blog posts floating through my head today.  I can’t seem to completely pull any of them together for a 500-1000 word post so I thought I’d just say a little about each.

The first thought is about privacy.  Facebook is such a freaky thing.  I’ll admit there was a time when I was really into celebrity blogs.  I visited Perez Hilton and Celebrity Baby Blog numerous times during the day.  Since I joined Facebook I rarely visit those sites.   Reading about people I know, knew, or hope to know seems to scratch that itch for me.  This week I’ve noticed a couple of cryptic status updates from folks.  They give away just enough information to make you go WAIT, WHAT?  They stir up a reaction.  Visiting the individual’s pages you see a line of people asking how they are and what’s going on.  I find myself wondering if it is better or worse that we have this public spotlight for our private matters.  On one hand you get lots of support, but is it real support?

Another issue on my mind is parent/child relationships.  In the novel I am currently writing the main character is 15 and very close with her father.  She talks to him and he listens, they respect each other, and sometimes they even act as if they are friends.    When I look around me at my husband, my friends, and the men in my church these are the kinds of fathers I see, ones who are generally interested in relating to their children.  But in response to my writing someone called the relationship weird.  So I’m wondering if I am just delusional.   Have we moved away from the “kids are to be seen and not heard” idea or not?  Is it possible for a girl to be friends with her dad or do I have some re-writing to do?

The last thought is how I’ve been a bit swallowed up.  I finally started writing this novel and it is all I can think about.  It sits in the back of my mind no matter what I am doing.  The Ray’s and White’s are demanding my attention.  I have a lot of mixed feelings on this.  On one hand it is fabulous because after a year of only writing blog posts and essays I am writing fiction again.  But it is also distracting me and I find myself losing track of my schedule, forgetting things, and neglecting healthy habits because my mind is elsewhere.  My vision of this project is exciting though.  I wonder if I can see it through.  Once it is complete I wonder what will become of it.  At writing group last night I was reminded of the work still left to do and the writing time I need but don’t have.  I have to admit, it’s frustrating and scary to think I may be traveling a path leading to a dead end, just one more book collecting cyber-dust on a shelf in my hard drive.

So that’s what’s on my mind today.  Just a few incomplete thoughts….

Thoughts on Marriage

This weekend we are going to a wedding.  It has me thinking about marriage.  Two nights ago we watched Revolutionary Road which was really a movie about marriage.  It was a very depressing movie about marriage actually.  The very last scene of the movie summed up the dark view perfectly.  In that scene an older couple is sitting in their living room.  The wife is talking away and the husband with the most miserable look on his face covertly turns off his hearing aid so he can’t hear a word she is saying.  The movie was set in the 50′s (I think) and the couples all just seem to have settled into lives without joy.  And the main characters certainly seem to blame each other for killing dreams and leading one another to a dull existence.  For a brief moment you think they are going to come together and turn things around, but in the end only one of them is willing to change and that change is actually quite tragic.

So that led me to even further think of marriage.  Of course I have come to believe that everything in your life is a reflection of your deepest beliefs about yourself and desires for your life.  Your ultimate partnership might be the biggest reflection of this.  Perhaps we truly chose people who “complete us,” people who have qualities that we would like to strengthen within ourselves or provide us with opportunities to fulfill roles we desire at a deep level.  I know that for me when I was younger I was very impulsive and struggled with this.  I often made decisions without thinking through the consequences.  I wanted to move past this.  It does not surprise me that in Mark I found one of the most thoughtful, careful people I’d ever met.   Over the years we have truly balanced one another out and I don’t even want to know where I’d be without him.

Marriage takes work and care though.  Sometimes, when challenges arise, we get so stubborn that we forget (or possibly aren’t even aware) it was us, ourselves that attracted these “teachers” into our lives.  In those moments we have a decision to make, we either become teachable or we remain “right.”  And that doesn’t even mean that we let our spouse give us a lecture or teach us a lesson, it means that we ask ourselves what we need to learn from the situation.  It may be that we need to learn to let go of the small things or love ourselves in the way we long to be loved by others.

I have a friend who says that there are three stages of marriage.  You may experience them with 3 different people, or they may all be with one.  However it looks, you get to phases in your life where you grow and change.  At that point you make a decision to grow together or apart.  I believe your attitude has more to do with this than anything.  I think stepping back and viewing the partnership through a wider lens can help.  From that viewpoint you can see the positives instead of honing in on the challenges.  You can also begin to question yourself about what you need to learn in order to be joy-filled!

My wish for my friends is that as they embark on this journey and experience the ebb and flow of their lives together that they will not lose sight of the big picture.  I hope they always see the silver lining in every challenge and the best in one another.  I hope they will choose happiness over being right and try to maintain an attitude of gratitude.

Love Too Much?

I was reading a discussion in a forum recently and the topic was “Can you love too much?”  There were a couple of comments from people who expressed how they had relationships where they did love too much and it broke their hearts.  They had given so much of themselves and received very little.  The result was they had closed up and tried to keep themselves from loving.

My first thought after reading was that perhaps the giving didn’t come from a place of true and unconditional love.  I myself have been guilty of giving in order to get a place in good standing with another person.  I specifically remember doing this with my mother-in-law when we first met.  I wanted her to like me so that she would encourage Mark to marry me.  For a lot of years I kept an inward scorecard where I’d tally up all the “super-wifey” things I did and if Mark ever complained I’d go through the list reminding him how lucky he was to have me.  I love him and have always loved him but that was not the way that I expressed it.  In those moments more than anything I was expressing my insecurity.

I think that “loving too much” is a brilliant way to live, but it must be unconditional love.  I have set the intention to love this way.  A perfect example of this kind of love is what you experience as a parent to a newborn.  The baby cries in the middle of the night, you get out of bed and feed them.  Months (or years) later when the child is sleeping through the night you barely remember the hours of sleep that you lost on their behalf.  You would never expect your child to pay you back for this love, you give it without conditions.

To receive you must give.  Too often we have a picture in our mind of the kind of love we’d like to experience.  We think of the ways a person could change or the things they could do for us to prove their love.  When they don’t meet our expectations we decide we have loved them too much.  We have given so much of ourselves and have received nothing.  In reality we have probably experienced the exact equivalent of what we’ve given through some other source.  Maybe our best friend surprised us with a special spa day or our parents came for an unexpected birthday visit.  But since the love didn’t come from the person whom our love was bestowed upon, we feel unloved, broken-hearted, and worthless.

The best way to experience true love is to give up your expectations of how it will come back to you.  Look for the moments when you heart sings and embrace them.  Love because it feels amazing to love.  It really all does come from inside of you, the minute that you close up because someone has let you down is the minute you close off the flow of love that you can experience.

So yes, I believe you can and should love too much.  If we all loved too much and without conditions the world would be a beautiful place.

Rebecca’s Click

Rebecca found me and my blog through Twitter.  After discovering my request, she sent me the following click story that I think is a great example of a moment when something clicks and you make a change.  If you are interested in reading more from Rebecca or connecting with her, those links are provided at the end of her click.

I was in love with a guy. He was great. We connected on a level that I’d never connected with anyone before. I think it was maybe because we were both writers and both passionate about the same things. He was eccentric and odd. For a while, it was like being with your best friend in the whole world. Then it gradually changed. He would get depressed a lot. When he was depressed, he would take it out on me. Not physically, you understand, but verbally. I didn’t realise until later quite how much it had drained me over the years. I would just let him yell at me until he couldn’t yell any more. And when he couldn’t yell any more, we would talk out whatever it was that was upsetting him or stressing him out. Quite a lot of the time, there was nothing that I could do about it but listen. It went on for quite a while like this. Sometimes he would even get angry at me because I wouldn’t yell back. I didn’t really see the point in yelling back.

One day, he told me he had leukemia. Of course, this meant he went off the rails with his stress and everything else. It yo-yoed back and forth. And all I did was worry about him.  By that point, I was miserable and terrified of losing him. Every time he screamed at me, he crawled back hours later with his apologies. And every time he apologised I would just accept it.

It was shortly after my birthday when he told me that he didn’t love me any more. Except, that it wasn’t just that… He didn’t just say he didn’t love me any more. He said that he didn’t think he had ever loved me. Then he asked to be friends. Stupidly, I thought that I should. After all, I didn’t want to lose my best friend as well. And I tried. I tried really hard to be his friend, but he made it really difficult to do that. He would say things caustically that would hurt and then he would ask me why I was being off with him.

How else was I supposed to be with him?

We ended up not talking to each other, mostly because I couldn’t handle the pressure he was putting on me to be civil whilst he refused to budge. It was a really difficult situation.

A couple of months later, I was still desperately unhappy. I got in the house to catch lunch before I left again and found a parcel waiting for me. A friend had offered to send me two books that I was interested in reading. She’d finished them and said that it would be nice to share them with me. Since we live so far apart, the post was the easiest option to send me the copies. I picked both up and glanced at the blurbs. I was attracted to them both, but, for whatever reason, I was drawn to one of the other two books that my friend had also sent. According to her, she hadn’t intended to send the book at all, but when she’d been placing the others in the box it had seemed right to out that in too. It wasn’t the kind of book that I would normally pick up, either. If I’d seen it on a shelf, I would probably have walked straight past it.

Nevertheless, I opened the first page and started reading. The story was about a girl who went to stay with her cousins when a war broke out. The girl falls in love with one of her male cousins and for a time they’re really close and in love. Then this war comes to their house and they end up getting separated. The protagonist is taken away with the boy’s sister and they strive to get back to the house. Lots of things happen to them in between then and when they reach the house. The boy isn’t there when they get there and the protagonist’s father calls the house. She’s put on one of the first flights back to America when the airports are reopened. She saves for years to go back to the house. When she goes back, she finds the cousin she fell in love with, but he has withdrawn into himself because of something that happened in the war and he refuses to acknowledge her. He’d come to believe that she didn’t love him because she hadn’t found him. The book ends with her staying to tend the flowers in his garden because he seems only to enjoy them. It’s called How I Live Now by Meg Rosoff if you ever wanted to read it.

My point is that if it wasn’t for reading that book, I would have continued to be miserable and to withdraw in the same way that the boy in the book had. It also made me realise that if he ever had really loved me, then he would have strived to be with me like the protagonist had and that I needed to let it go, even if it would take time. Somehow, reading that book just made sense of what I’d been through. Being with him had been like fighting a never ending battle because I’d been so emotionally floored.  The book made me feel as if it was peace time and the sun had come out to warm me back up. And, after a while, it managed to.

That’s not to say that I will ever forget him, but I found something that made it easier to accept things as they were.

Here are the places you can find Rebecca and her writing…

Main Page – http://rebeccaclaresmith.com

Journal – http://rebeccaclaresmith.blogspot.com

Twitter -  http://twitter.com/jocastalizzbeth

Facebook - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Rebecca-Clare-Smiths-Writing/319631800484?ref=ts

Myspace - http://www.myspace.com/rebeccaclaresmith

LinkedIn - http://uk.linkedin.com/in/rebeccaclaresmith

Lessons From Benjamin Button

We watched The Curious Case of Benjamin Button the other night.  I was very moved by it, on the edge of my seat despite it’s 2 hour and 45 minute duration.  If you haven’t seen the movie, I should probably say *spoiler alert*.

The main character, Benjamin, is born a decrepit (harsh, but probably the best word for it), little old man.  His mother dies in childbirth and his father, horrified by his appearance, abandons him on the steps of the local Nursing Home.   Queenie, takes him in and raises him amongst the residents, assuming he has a very short time to live.  Over the years he, of course, grows younger instead of older (at least on the outside).  In his old man’s body he strikes up a friendship with a young girl named Daisy.  He and Daisy connect because they are actually nearly the same age.  It is this relationship that is the foundation of the movie.  Their outer appearances place each of them in categories that keep them separate.  It is only when they’ve each faced tremendous loss that they are brought back together again.  These years together are the ones in which their “ages” match.  But the different directions they are traveling loom over them and eventually Benjamin leaves so that Daisy will not have to care for him as a child.  As fate would have it a little boy, in the beginning stages of dementia, ends up back at the Nursing Home and Daisy is called.  She cares for him as he returns to infancy.

Throughout the movie you love Benjamin.  He is different and faces challenges, but has a beautiful soul.  You want him to be accepted and understood.  Then there is Daisy and she is just so very human.  I got angry at her, but probably because I could relate to her in ways.  She loved him but chose to move on without him.  It took a tragedy that ruined her career to bring her home to him.  Once with him, she redeemed herself and unselfishly chose to let him go and eventually take care of him at the end of his life.

The main theme in this movie was Death…but not just death as death, but death as change.  Benjamin grows up in a world filled with death (a nursing home where residents go at the end of their lives), and because of his uniqueness always has the threat of death in the shadows.  He learns early on that nothing is constant, everything is in motion and you can’t stop time.  One of my favorite quotes from the movie that speaks to the theme is from the character who teaches him to play the piano.  She says: “Benjamin, we’re meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?” Death teaches us to stop taking life for granted.  In the death of a relationship we learn the gifts that were given us by the person we lost.

There was so much more to this movie.  It was thick,  full of layers and life lessons.  It showed the reality of people…that sometimes they are exactly who they say they are and sometimes what we think we know is very far from the truth of them.  It put a spotlight on relationships and the fact that none of them last forever.  It illustrated fate and the great production we’re all a part of, every action and line matters.  It reminded me of the opportunities that life provides and how it is up to each of us to take them or leave them.

I’ll leave you with a few memorable quotes:

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.” -Benjamin Button

“You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went. You could swear, curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go.” -Captain Mike

“Your life is defined by its opportunities… even the ones you miss.” -Benjamin Button

“Sometimes we’re on a collision course, and we just don’t know it. Whether it’s by accident or by design, there’s not a thing we can do about it.” -BB

“I promise you, I’ll never lose myself to self-pity again.” -Daisy

“You’ll see little man, plenty of times you be alone. You different like us, it’s gonna be that way. But I tell you a little secret I find out. We know we alone. Fat people, skinny people, tall people, white people… they just as alone as us… but they scared shitless.” -Ngunda Oti

Clearing

We have these huge Oak trees in our front yard and they have thousands of leaves.  During Autumn and Winter the leaves fall and blanket our yard.  Mark hates to let the leaves sit, but cleaning them up is an enormous job.  Every year we find a different way to approach it.  The first year in the house, we bought a couple of rakes and did it the old fashion way.  The year after that we bought a leave blower that converted to a leaf vacuum and filled the bags that way for a couple of years.  Last year the blower broke and so we hired someone else to do the job.  This year we purchased a new lawn mower with a bag and gathered the leaves that way.  It is always Mark’s idea to take on this job with my help.  He insists that if it is not done the grass beneath the blanket will die and our yard will be ruined.  I am always the whiney one…”awww, do we have to do it?”

As we mowed and bagged yesterday evening I thought of the job and what it represents in my life, especially at this time of year.  It’s been an emotional year for me and a bit hectic.  I’ll admit that I’ve been somewhat scattered, with my thoughts in several  different directions at times.  There is a lot I think of doing but find excuses not to.  I give myself jobs to accomplish and then put them off “Let me just do this one quick thing first.”  The one quick thing ends up taking an hour and the job I’d intended to do gets put off or done half-ass.

So just like with the leaves, it’s time for me to do some clearing in my life.  I’m preparing for the new year, hoping that it will be a new start (we all say this at this time of year though).  I need to release the bad habits which for me is mostly just one…being online way too much without doing anything productive.   I need to pull my thoughts back to the present.  Every time I find myself focused and truly surrendered to the moment something good happens.  Whether it’s an exciting email or a great idea, I tend to get caught up in it and find myself planning the future and wondering where it will lead.  Once I’m out of the present and back in the future, everything slows down or halts.  I also want to let go of some emotional baggage.  I seem to be taking my pent up feelings and projecting them.  The uncertainty I sense about some situations and relationships causes me to over analyze what is going smoothly and seek glitches that aren’t even there.  Finally, my house does not reflect who I want to be.  I don’t have a lot of stuff, I’m probably the opposite of a hoarder (or almost), but when the clutter gathers I feel cluttered too.  And I haven’t been so motivated to stay on top of it.

Like I said yesterday, things are getting easier and more peaceful for me.  I think that’s why I can write this.  I can own up to what’s been wrong and declare that I want to change it.  Just like the leaves that damage the grass in my front yard, the bad habits, scattered thoughts, pent up emotions, and clutter weigh on my spirit.  What about you?  Is your life too hectic for your spirit to soar?

Attraction

The issue of attraction is something I think about from time to time.  I believe when someone who is meant to help us, guide us, or teach us arrives in our lives our souls know.  In a response to what we know within the fabric of our being we feel a human level attraction.  The more intense of an attraction the more impact someone will have on our lives.  What I think happens next is we label these feelings.  We decide we have found a new best friend or a new lover.  We dive head first into making the relationship work.  Sometimes it works beautifully and lasts a lifetime, but sometimes it fails miserably and you are left hurt, broken and asking why.

I have two examples I’d like to share.

In college I was friends with a guy named B.  We got along great and could talk and drink beer together for hours.  One night we kissed and there was this spark.  I decided I was in love.  We had been friends for months and I genuinely knew and liked him.  It was easy.  For the next three weeks we were together constantly.  I took him home to meet my parents (although I think he only met my dad) and let him drive my car.  In the evenings he and I did what we did best…drink lots of beer.  Then one night  he went to a party without me and didn’t come over to my place afterward.  Turns out he’d met another girl and went home with her instead.  I was devastated!  For a while I moped around, drank a lot, and cornered him on a few occasions in the hopes of winning him back.  Ultimately, I hit a wall.  I had to change.  I let him go.  I stopped drinking.  I started going to church (logically seeking a spiritual answer that I didn’t actually get at that time).  Within a few months I reached a breaking point with my roommates and moved out of my apartment and the detrimental living situation I was in.  It was a life-altering period in my life that happened all because I fell in love with B.  The path I was on during that time was all wrong and the love and subsequent broken heart I experienced put me back on track.  Years later, I think of him and there is not the remotest twinge of love (despite how madly in love I thought I was at the time).  I wasn’t meant to be with him or even love him, he was put on my path to save me!  I am grateful for the experience.

About five years ago I met another stay-at-home mom who I felt an instant attraction to.  I thought she was the coolest ever and wanted to be her friend.  We did become friends and for a while I considered her one of my closest local friends.    After I read the book “The Law of Attraction: The Teachings of Abraham” I bought her a copy.  She read it,  invited me to her Unity Church and lent me books by Eric Butterworth, Wayne Dyer, Marianne Williamson, and Eckhart Tolle.  In essence she completely changed my life.  She didn’t push me onto my spiritual path, she picked me up and threw me like an Olympian.  I have learned and grown so much because of the ideas and principles that SHE introduced me to.  That was two years ago.  A lot has changed in our lives.  To be honest, I don’t think we are really friends anymore.  It’s sad and I miss her at times, but I am very aware of WHY she came into my life and I most definitely understand the reason that I felt such a HUGE attraction to her.

The important thing about attractions is that we enjoy the feelings and listen to our intuitions when making decisions.  We may find ourselves soaring in a new relationship or we may just crash and burn.  Either way, try to stay positive and ask what you have learned and gained from the relationship.  I guarantee you can come up with a lesson or two!