Love and Loss

By midnitemonologues

Ahh…those first days…weeks…months of being in “love”; some call it “puppy love”…I call it “rose colored glasses”.  This is my story (well…one of them anyways) of love and loss.

I was 22…young at heart…free spirited…happy-go-lucky and falling in love with a man who had swept me off my feet and promised to lasso the moon for me.  He was 8 years older than I and he had served several years in the military.  He had also been very deceived by his “first love” and the DEEP remnants of that hurt still lingered for him, unbeknownst to me.  We were so happy and just “knew” it was right, so we married after only dating 6 months.  My parents had expressed their anxieties over this to me…they thought it was too soon…what was the rush?  My very good friend blatantly told me that he was not the one for me and I was in for a lot of hard times if I decided to marry him.  Of course…wearing my “rose colored glasses”, I didn’t see any of the warning signs and charged full steam ahead like the little engine that could.  The husband of my very good friend had said (not to me – I found out about this later) “Once they marry, he will feel like he owns her.” Well…basically…that is what happened.

On our wedding night…I saw the man I loved turn into a hateful, insecure, beast – right before my eyes.  It was as if all of his buried insecurities rose up to the surface.  Our honeymoon was absolutely miserable, he was jealous of every man in sight…it was the worst week of my life as far as embarrassment and regret go.  I remember calling my very good friend and her husband sobbing…not knowing what on earth to do.  It was a roller coaster week, because he would always come back and lay the charm on thick.  When I came back to the states from our Caribbean honeymoon, I should have annulled the marriage, but, I forged on and pressed ahead, because I had made a commitment to God and I didn’t want my peers to say “I told you so”.

We were only married one year – to the day.  It was a roller coaster year of verbal and physical abuse for me.  The first of which, I was beaten up by my husband in the car of a parking lot over what movie we wanted to see…he obviously didn’t like my choice.  The next day there were a dozen roses sent to the house.  I was held up by my neck and shaken against a wall in my home, then tossed over the dryer as I was being taken (by neck) to another room in another argument.  He brought jewelry to apologize for that one…many, many more times like this happened throughout this terrible year.  What finally made me realize that I HAD to get out a.k.a my “a-ha moment” was the night he came home at 2 in the morning, woke me up from a dead sleep and proceeded to hurt me and do other things that I won’t go into, but I’m sure you’re imagination will come close.  After that night, I knew my life would never be the same, the hurt and abuse must stop.

The next morning, I simply woke up, went into the room where he was and asked him if he was happy in the marriage.  He proceeded to tell me yes, and I told him that I was not.  I started packing my things, left and moved in with my dear grandmother.  That was it.  We were separated a year and I paid $75 for our divorce.  The separation year was also very hard, his friends berated me and he stalked me…I had to go into “hiding”.  Such a mess!

Nonetheless, through it all, I can say that I have NO regrets.  I came out of that situation a new, changed and finer person than I had been; a person who could empathize with others going through this type of situation and other difficult situations.  I felt like a rosebud that had finally bloomed into a full flower.  Throughout this tragic experience, I saw God’s protection and His divine and loving hand helping me.  I am thankful for the lessons learned during those 2 years and am VERY thankful that I can see the lessons.  So many people go through difficult, trying experiences and never learn the lesson…thus, they just keep getting hurt and causing others hurt.  I am thankful for my family and friends who helped me through my “recovery”.  It was their love and support that got me back on track.

Thank you for reading my story.

Godspeed –

Midnitemonologues