This would be post number 2 in the “Finding Your Own North Star” series. In the book Martha Beck describes two sides of ourselves: the essential self and the social self. Your essential self is your guidance system (I would also refer to it as your higher self), the part of you that directs you to your path and just seems to know where you are meant to go. The social self is the side of you that conforms to the “rules” that are put upon you by your family, school, church, peer group, and society in general. The social self can definitely work in your favor, but it can also hold you back and keep you in fear. It tends to enjoy the path of least resistance.
For the most part I agreed with Beck’s description of essential self. She did however lose me for just a bit by listing off a few not so nice things the essential self might want to do. I can’t remember her exact examples but she included things equal to slapping the tyrannical boss when they criticize you or rear-ending the guy in traffic who cuts you off. I interpreted those type situations as very negative and I believe that our essential selves are essentially good. So to give the author the benefit of the doubt I will imagine for a minute that your essential self does scream at you to slap your boss. (Now remember it is highly unlikely that your social self will let you do this.) If you follow through on this action maybe it will have positive results for both of you, maybe you discover an amount of courage you never knew you had and maybe your boss learns that he/she cannot push people around. In the end you are both better people because of it.
Last night I woke up at 2am thinking of more examples of the way our essential selves work. Here are my two favorites.
Mark and I watched a PBS program about the TV show “60 Minutes” last night. They interviewed a guy who now works for the program. He was 12-years-old when he fell in love with “60 Minutes” and knew he wanted to work on the show one day. He was probably in 7th grade when he had this revelation. I’m sure his social self went on a rampage telling him he was not supposed to be crazy over a news show…he was supposed to be interested in girls (other than Leslie Stahl), sports, music, and action movies. Obviously his essential self won in that argument and he is on the path that was meant for him. He’s making his dreams come true and making news on the best show for interesting news stories.
Your essential self’s role in relationships is another interesting example. Your essential self falls in love and wants to go dancing, stay up all night talking religion and politics, and spend days having wild sex. Your social self says wait just a minute here…you don’t know how to dance, talking religion and politics is a no-no, and wild sex: NEVER! Instead it decides you should take things slooowww, date, and get to know each other. Your social self sees the other person as a means to living happily ever after, while your essential self realizes they’re purpose might be to simply show you how to happily live in that moment. Your social self clings to relationships out of fear, while your essential self knows that if one foundation crumbles it is simply clearing the way for a new and stronger one to be built.
So I invite you to search your heart and figure out what your essential self wants you to do. If it is something little like say taking a pole dancing class, go for it! If it is something huge and life changing, ask for guidance on the right steps to get you there (I guarantee if you are open it will happen when the time is right).
Isn’t Martha Beck’s book great? I totally enjoyed it and found myself nodding my head, saying “yes yes yes.” For years, I denied my essential self and became a shell of the person I knew I could become. By shedding the layers and stripping down to whole I really am, I’m just now beginning to shine…
We all have this power within ourselves. Our essential selves just want to be free!
I have read so many of these type books in the past few years that I didn’t even think it was possible to find one that would get me reflecting as much as this one has. It is a great book and I am amazed at the way I can apply her ideas to my life. (I also figured out that the 4 phases in the change cycle will be a great guide for writing fiction.)
I hate to tell you, Leslee, but she didn’t even sort of come up with this. Her “essential self” is Freud’s id and her “social self” is the superego.
Didn’t sound harsh or snotty. But I thought the id was the little (less important) part of yourself, but if it is what she talks about, it is a huge and important part of you (at least in my opinion).
The id is the part of you that wants what it wants when it wants it. Infants tend to be big balls of id. What you described, the thing about wanting to punch your boss, is a perfect exemple of id. Without the ego and superego, well, you would just punch your boss.
Well, now I feel like that came out really harsh and snotty and I can’t delete it or edit it. Sorry if it sounds like that!
Good explanation! I read the book too and found Martha Beck’s advice helpful. Recommend the book highly. The chapters on change are practical and insightful