Organized

So today I had the thought, the one I have often.  It goes something like this “If only I could get organized then…..” and it usually ends with me thinking I need to revisit the flylady website and start” shining my sink” and “dressing to shoes.”  Somehow keeping a clean house (or a clean workplace) becomes the answer for everything.

When I used to be a teacher and was very unhappy in my job, I’d use that “get organized” idea to keep me hanging on and hanging in.  If I could clean off my desk, have beautifully detailed lesson plans, and stick to a schedule than I would be teacher of the year and I’d love every minute in that classroom.  I could never seem to do it though.  Getting organized just remained out there as some ambiguous goal that if I finally reached all would be right with my world.  The only thing that righted that world was leaving it.

These days I am walking this line between stay-at-home-mom and writer.  I feel incredibly inadequate at both of them.  So I spend a lot of time thinking about cleaning out closets and cabinets, calculating the ways I could entertain my daughters, and trying to allow time for inspiration.  I think about what that schedule might look like.  The idea of it excites me, makes me think I’m in control…but I never actually write down the schedule and I certainly don’t follow it.  Instead I drift along, hoping that I am as perfect in my girls’ eyes as my mother was in mine and that eventually I will be overwhelmed by the urge to start writing this awesome book series that is slowly inching it’s way into my brain.  What I really want is a perfect balance of an amazing career and personal life.  What I really want is to move with passion through everything in my life, instead of having the desire to organize it.