Midnitemonologues’ Click

Love and Loss

By midnitemonologues

Ahh…those first days…weeks…months of being in “love”; some call it “puppy love”…I call it “rose colored glasses”.  This is my story (well…one of them anyways) of love and loss.

I was 22…young at heart…free spirited…happy-go-lucky and falling in love with a man who had swept me off my feet and promised to lasso the moon for me.  He was 8 years older than I and he had served several years in the military.  He had also been very deceived by his “first love” and the DEEP remnants of that hurt still lingered for him, unbeknownst to me.  We were so happy and just “knew” it was right, so we married after only dating 6 months.  My parents had expressed their anxieties over this to me…they thought it was too soon…what was the rush?  My very good friend blatantly told me that he was not the one for me and I was in for a lot of hard times if I decided to marry him.  Of course…wearing my “rose colored glasses”, I didn’t see any of the warning signs and charged full steam ahead like the little engine that could.  The husband of my very good friend had said (not to me – I found out about this later) “Once they marry, he will feel like he owns her.” Well…basically…that is what happened.

On our wedding night…I saw the man I loved turn into a hateful, insecure, beast – right before my eyes.  It was as if all of his buried insecurities rose up to the surface.  Our honeymoon was absolutely miserable, he was jealous of every man in sight…it was the worst week of my life as far as embarrassment and regret go.  I remember calling my very good friend and her husband sobbing…not knowing what on earth to do.  It was a roller coaster week, because he would always come back and lay the charm on thick.  When I came back to the states from our Caribbean honeymoon, I should have annulled the marriage, but, I forged on and pressed ahead, because I had made a commitment to God and I didn’t want my peers to say “I told you so”.

We were only married one year – to the day.  It was a roller coaster year of verbal and physical abuse for me.  The first of which, I was beaten up by my husband in the car of a parking lot over what movie we wanted to see…he obviously didn’t like my choice.  The next day there were a dozen roses sent to the house.  I was held up by my neck and shaken against a wall in my home, then tossed over the dryer as I was being taken (by neck) to another room in another argument.  He brought jewelry to apologize for that one…many, many more times like this happened throughout this terrible year.  What finally made me realize that I HAD to get out a.k.a my “a-ha moment” was the night he came home at 2 in the morning, woke me up from a dead sleep and proceeded to hurt me and do other things that I won’t go into, but I’m sure you’re imagination will come close.  After that night, I knew my life would never be the same, the hurt and abuse must stop.

The next morning, I simply woke up, went into the room where he was and asked him if he was happy in the marriage.  He proceeded to tell me yes, and I told him that I was not.  I started packing my things, left and moved in with my dear grandmother.  That was it.  We were separated a year and I paid $75 for our divorce.  The separation year was also very hard, his friends berated me and he stalked me…I had to go into “hiding”.  Such a mess!

Nonetheless, through it all, I can say that I have NO regrets.  I came out of that situation a new, changed and finer person than I had been; a person who could empathize with others going through this type of situation and other difficult situations.  I felt like a rosebud that had finally bloomed into a full flower.  Throughout this tragic experience, I saw God’s protection and His divine and loving hand helping me.  I am thankful for the lessons learned during those 2 years and am VERY thankful that I can see the lessons.  So many people go through difficult, trying experiences and never learn the lesson…thus, they just keep getting hurt and causing others hurt.  I am thankful for my family and friends who helped me through my “recovery”.  It was their love and support that got me back on track.

Thank you for reading my story.

Godspeed –

Midnitemonologues

Guilt, Guilt, Guilt

The term “survivor’s guilt” has been mentioned these past two weeks since I lost my dear friend, Amy.  When I hear the term I immediately think of someone feeling guilty for being alive when their loved one has passed on.  I imagine them off in a corner somewhere thinking it should have been me, it should have been me.  I haven’t felt this way.  I had a moment of thinking why do I get to be here and what am I supposed to do, but never thought it should have been me.  Mark and the girls need me.  It would be selfish to think that.

I do believe I am experiencing “survivor’s guilt” in a different way.  Right now, I seem to be drowning in guilt.  I am regretting all of the missed opportunities and the stupid excuses (not just with Amy).  The girls are tired.  The drive is too far.  There are too many people to see.  It’s too hard.  There is not enough time. I feel bad for choosing the wrong words.  Even after apologies are exchanged and accepted, I can’t stop flogging myself for putting them out there in the first place.  I feel guilty for the things I want and the things I don’t want.  I feel wrong for the love I do feel and the love I wish I felt.  I feel like a horrible mother because I am lacking the energy it takes to turn off the TV and talk or play.  I answer Callee’s demands because it’s easier than trying to teach her to ask politely.   I can’t stay on top of the mess in my house and taking one look around makes me more angry at myself.  I feel guilty for some of the things that I have written and for the stuff that just won’t get on the page.

In the last two weeks, I have told a lot of people that I’d call them.  I can’t seem to pick up the phone.  I feel guilty for wanting to crawl into a shell, just when I’ve been reminded how important relationships are.  I feel bad for being attached and detached.  There are relationships in my life that are in desperate need of healing and I’m too tired and angry to do the work.  I feel guilty for how much pain I am experiencing at this loss because I know as much as it hurts there are a number of people that are hurting more.  I feel guilty for almost everything.

Some months ago I had a conversation with a friend about guilt.  We concluded that guilt is a useless emotion and gets us no where.  I believe that now, especially as I am consumed by it.  It is paralyzing me and making it hard to be in my own skin.  I’m writing this now in hopes that by owning it, I can make it to the next step of letting it go.

Psalm 23

I have been studying the teachings of Joel S. Goldsmith for about a year now.  I was very immersed in his work for a while.  One thing that he says is that you should work with “flashcards” and these “flashcards” will be given to you by God.  A flashcard is a phrase (usually from scripture) that you keep in the forefront of your mind throughout your days.  Eventually as you remind yourself of the message it will find its way into your being and then you will be given another phrase to work with.  I have to admit I was skeptical of this and didn’t believe that God would give me a flashcard, but during a moment of meditation I received a nice surprise.  As I sat in my spot in silence, from within I heard “The Lord is my shepherd.  I shall not want.”  There it was, MY first flashcard.  I thought of it often, but eventually lost the discipline to acquire the knowledge at the level intended.  Since Amy passed away, I am being reminded of that phrase.  It seems Psalm 23 is being sent to me in lots of ways, including being printed on the “In Remembrance” for Amy’s viewing.

I want to share it here…

The Lord is my shepherd

I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:

He leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul:

He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil:

for Thou art with me;

Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies:

Thou annointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life:

and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Poetry Perhaps?

So I intended to share the shower curtain story today.  It was Amy’s favorite and she always loved to hear it.  The funny thing is, I can’t bring myself to write it.  When my sorority sisters get together (whether I’m there or not), it’s one of those stories we tell.  It’s embarrassing and entertaining.  I promise I’ll write it one day, but today I’m just too submerged in the cloud to be funny…..

Instead, let’s see if I can write a poem on the fly.

Called death, change

change, death

the old falls away

the new arrives

Talked about the phoenix

rising from the ashes

thought myself that bird

it’s true and not

death comes in waves

at first blow

you choke

gag

cough

but live

think you’ll be OK

smile a little

laugh even

until the next wave arrives

too bold

too brave

thought you could face it

but it comes

you fall

choke

gag

cough

but live

you want to leave the ocean

but can’t

there is comfort in the pain

resisting the change

getting used to yourself

as soot and ash

 

Dear Amy (my stuff)

I’ve allowed myself one week to write to you and about you on the blog.  Tomorrow I’m going to tell your favorite story and then go back to the old routine, well with the exception of the click stories.  (I’ve received four already and plan to post them on Tuesdays and Thursdays.)  For my last letter I just want to tell you how I’ve felt.

I guess it was nearly a year ago when I made my “25 things about me” list on Facebook.  One thing I thought about including in the list and did say in a comment was “I am not who I used to be.”  I wanted to make it clear to everyone who knew me when I was younger that I was not proud of a lot of my choices.  When you read that though, I think it hurt you.  I can’t exactly remember (see that’s why I need you) if you actually told me or I just got it via Kristin, but I’ll never forget the gist of what you said.  It made you sad that I felt so much regret for that time in my life, because for you it was a wonderful time.  You were right beside me on that journey, picking me up when I slipped, helping me laugh when I wanted to cry, and just simply having FUN!  Somehow I’d forgotten all that fun and chose to focus on the “bad” stuff.  You wanted me to remember it the way you did.  The funny thing is, once I was told what you really thought of me not being who I used to be, I DID start to remember it differently.  I chose to reflect on the good and I began to change.  I started to accept and embrace the past, letting go of all the guilt I’d held onto.  Those little steps of self-acceptance and self-love opened my heart.  Over this past year I have begun to love more deeply and more passionately and I believe you had a big role to play in that.  I thank you so much for the gifts you have given me over the past 18 years.

I also want to tell you that I’m sorry.  I’m sorry for moving so far away.  I’m sorry for missing so much over the years.  I’m sorry for crawling into my own little world and forgetting to reach out to those of you who had invested in me for so long.  I’m sorry that you only met the girls a few times.  They would have loved you so much and you them!  I’m sorry for not sending pictures of them.  I’m sorry for not staying with you when I’d come to NC for visits.  I’m sorry for not expressing enough gratitude for all the lovely gifts you sent me and my family over the years.  I’m sorry for not telling you I loved you enough, but glad I at least said it recently.  I’m sorry for dumping my drama on you and not taking enough time to ask you how you were doing.  You have taught me so much about living and I’m sorry I am only realizing it now that you have made your transition….

Here are a few things I’ve learned from your example:

1.  When you find people you connect with, stay connected.  TALK ON THE PHONE to the people you love! (I’m easing in to this one, you know I’m not a phone person.)

2.  There is nothing wrong with asking for what you want and expecting to get it!

3.  Be generous and helpful.  Reach out to people in need.

4.  Life is short, make the most of it.  Have things, do things, and be with people that feed your soul!

5.  Seek your own answers, make up your own mind, and don’t let anyone ever pressure you or guilt you into doing/being something you DON’T want to do/be.

I’ll probably think of more lessons later, but those are the ones that stand out to me now.  Thank you for the biggest gift of all (that came in the tiniest little package): YOU and your beautiful friendship!!!

I know you loved 80’s music and singing Karaoke.  This is the first song we ever sang at Rainbow Deli!

Dear Amy (Family and Friends)

First off, I must say that I am so happy that you either used obvious passwords or shared them openly with your husband, because Tim is keeping your Facebook page alive.  The day after you died he posted the sweetest, saddest, most beautiful letter to you on Facebook.  (I haven’t got the chance to ask him, but I’d love to share it here.)  I became immediately aware of what an amazing man he is.  His biggest concern was whether or not he had been a good husband and made you happy while you were with him.  I took the time to tell him how proud you were of him.  I said that you never complained about him  (or at least not to me), when you talked about him it was always with pride.  You’d tell me about his latest endeavors and just beam.

I was already out of state when the two of you met, so I never really got the chance to know Tim.  I did always know that he was a kind soul.  I knew from the way he took care of you and saw to it ALL of your dreams were fulfilled that he was special.  But being around him last week, opened my eyes to a whole new side of him.  And the messages he writes to you on Facebook prove how loving and brave he is.

I felt such an incredible amount of love being with your family last week.  I have never in my life known a family so close.  I spent 3 hours with you on September 17 and during that brief time I think your sister and mom both called you twice.  You never complained about them (just like you didn’t complain about Tim).  There was never any family drama…just love and fun.  You didn’t share their politics, but it didn’t change anything.  The last time we talked you said you loved to get them talking about politics, get everybody all roused up, but it never touched a personal level.  There was a great respect between all of you.  Your mom said to me the other night that she knows we (Heather, Kristin, and I) know some secrets that she doesn’t (which in all honesty, I doubt), but that she wouldn’t want to know them, they belong to us.

Now for us friends.  We’re missing you like crazy.  We’re searching for the light at the end of the tunnel.  You were such a joy in our lives.  Kristin was a member of your family.  The phone list on her fridge proved that to me. (1.Mom 2. Dad 3. AMY 4. SUSIE (your mom) 5. CANDIE (your sister) )  I was on the list somewhere, but you and your family were at the top.  We all check in daily.  (Which reminds me, I haven’t replied to that email yet.)  This is the most difficult loss any of us have experienced (that  I am aware of) and we are quickly learning the true meaning of grief.

You were the very best daughter, sister, wife, friend, and mother that anyone could ask for.  You did EVERYTHING right during your pregnancy and you brought those boys into the world, healthy and safe, before you left it.  Then you donated 4 of your organs to save 4 other peoples’ lives.  Those were your last great deeds and those actions prove what kind of person you were.  YOU WERE AND ARE ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!!!

I’m pretty sure this is a song you used to play and sing at the top of your lungs back in the day….

Dear Amy (Signs)

Someone sent me an article yesterday about a book called “Life After Death: The Evidence.”  When I opened the link and started reading, I just couldn’t finish it.  You see the author of the article was a major skeptic and was writing about how they think the afterlife is bullshit.  Since I stopped reading, I don’t even know what their arguments were.  It pissed me off because I am over here being BOMBARDED with signs from you.  There are WAY TOO many for it to be coincidental.  It’s getting to the point now that I have to write them down to remember and I am starting to forget many that I have already received.  I thought I’d list them all here, so you know I’m aware.

1.  When I thought you were just in a coma I kept asking you what you were going to do.  The answer I got was that you had done all that you wanted to do and you were leaving.  I didn’t want that to be true, but Mark asked me what my gut said and I told him I knew you were gone.  I prayed that my cell phone wouldn’t ring because I knew what that would mean.

2.  All day as I traveled to NC I asked you to give me a sign and I kept thinking if you’d send me anything, it would be a frog.  When I came out of the restroom at a rest stop, there at my feet was a frog.  I sat down, picked it up, and called Kristin.

3.  I have also asked you twice to help me out with decision making and when I started to make the wrong decision I got a terrible tummy ache.  When I put myself back on track, in the right direction, I felt better.

4.  When Kristin and I were sitting on her porch Monday night she said “I just want to call Amy.”  When she said that the wind began blowing and the wind chimes went crazy.  I got chills all over and sat staring at the empty chair at the table.  Somehow I felt or knew you were sitting in it, right across the table from Kristin.

5.  I got chills and goosebumps every time I talked about you and every time I hugged your mom.  At one point she said “Leslee!”  and I replied “It’s Amy.”  She called me last night and the second I heard her voice the goosebumps came back.  (I haven’t felt them much since I’ve been back in Florida.  It actually scared me because I was afraid I was too far away to feel you.)

6.  After the funeral at your mom and dad’s house I was sitting on the couch with your mom talking to the neighbor.  He was talking about his wife and said “What am I?  Chopped liver?”  I had been thinking of you saying that to my dad for days.  It was one of those funny moments that always stood out to me.

7.  I let you pick out my outfit for the funeral and when Candie saw me she said “Look we’re all wearing green.”  It was your favorite color and not a bit surprising that you dressed us all.  I kept the heels on for 2 hours but then had to change.

8.  I listened to Incubus all the way home and felt like you were speaking to me through the lyrics.  “I wish you were here.”  “She called out a warning, don’t ever let life pass you by.” “Goodbye, nice to know you.” and one that I can’t quite remember but is something like “Something inside me has told me more than twice today that you are the air I breathe.”  Also found out that the end of that CD is a 30 second chorus of crickets and FROGS.

9.  I’ve seen a lot more frogs.  A little girl gave a toy frog to the girls in a restaurant.  I was holding one of Kelly’s twin babies and noticed she was wearing a froggie outfit.  I saw 3 frogs on Halloween night as I wondered around lost.  Yesterday there were 21 little frogs in the sliding board at my friends house and Bella was trying to catch them with her friend.

10.  Most recently today I was at the grocery store waiting for my sushi to be made and I walked over to the florist area (of course as always thinking Amy send me a message) and there was a teddy bear holding a pillow with a butterfly on it that said Best Friends Always.  Then I started listening to the music on the speakers and this song came on….

I know this isn’t all of them, like I said I’m losing track.  You were the one who helped me remember…what am I going to do without you to call?  Which reminds me, when your mom called me last night she asked me to come home just like you kept doing.  Get to work Angel Amy!  I love you so much and still missing you.  Wondering if I will ever stop thinking about you…

Dear Amy (funeral)

Where to start, where to start…  Well, your funeral was last Wednesday and I must say it was beautiful.  I didn’t count them, but I’d guess there was about 20 police cars leading the funeral procession from the funeral home to the church.  They had every intersection between Raymer’s and Hopewell blocked and one whole side of the church was filled with men and women in blue.  You loved the attention you got from being married to law enforcement and, boy, they made sure you got it in the end.

I walked into the church with Chris and Jen.  Heather had gone to look for the minister about the eulogy.  I sat down and looked at the rows marked for family and I knew I was supposed to be there.  I wasn’t sure whether or not to get up but finally after they brought the coffin in, I knew I was in the wrong place.  I walked out and found my rightful place, with your family.  I sat beside Kristin and your little grandma.  She (grandma) was so cute, singing along to the songs and saying “yes, yes” to everything the ministers said.  When the vocalists sang “In The Garden,” inside my head I replaced He with She.

And She walks with me,
and She talks with me,
and She tells me I am her own;
and the joy we share as we tarry there,
none other has ever known.

My guess is some might call that blasphemy, but you are a daughter of God and I know that you are now watching over me just like Jesus.  And speaking of Jesus, everything Jervis said at the service was PERFECT.  (Ok, not everything, but I’ll get to that in a minute.)  You and I had talked about Jesus on the 13th.  I had told you my thoughts and that most of all for me Jesus is a teacher.  In my life I am trying to learn from him and follow what he taught…two of those huge lessons being forgiveness and everlasting life.  The one thing Jervis said (and used scripture to back it up) was “she will live again.”  The other thing he said is that God does not punish us and God does not cause tragedies like this to happen.  You leaving us just is…  There is no one to blame and all we can do now is go to God for comfort.  He didn’t make this happen, but he can get us through it.

Now the one thing that made me cringe a bit, OK A LOT, was when Jervis talked about Puni.  In my mind I was screaming “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” and tackling him before he could say it.  But I really didn’t think you’d want me actually doing that at your funeral, so I let him speak.  For those of us closest to you, Puni (along with your other little quirks) were such big pieces of you.  And those of us who knew felt so special to be in the midst of that circle.  You only told the people you loved the most and Tim loved you so much that he had to tell Jervis the story of Puni.  I had no idea it would end up being said aloud to the hundreds of people that were there.  Kristin and I expressed to one another that we could feel your embarrassment, but it also just occurred to me now that we were probably both a little jealous.  I mean that was a part of you that belonged to a select few and we were among that few.  Maybe we wanted to keep Puni all to ourselves, so that we would know something and have something so many others didn’t.

You keep sending all these signs, it’s crazy how many we are getting.  I know you always hated country music and nearly everyone else in your life liked it.  This past week everyone has been passing along songs to each other and they are all COUNTRY songs.  We keep apologizing to you for using country songs (which you hated) to remember you by.  But I think you are sending us these songs on purpose because you knew that WE would like them and hear them and think of you.  So in honor of that I just found a version of “In The Garden” by Brad Paisley that I wanted to share.

Dear Amy (1)

I am writing this at 9:15 on Sunday morning.  A week ago at this time I had a normal life.  In fact, I had a great life.  The last post I’d written before going to Disney was all about walking to get coffee and imagining all these wonderful things happening in my life.  But on this trip I didn’t picture the book signings or see myself meeting Oprah, instead I just said thank you over and over.  We stayed at the Animal Kingdom Lodge.  That place is AMAZING.  I couldn’t believe I was there.  I thought about all the stuff I’ve worried about over my lifetime and how insignificant almost all of it is.  I told myself that I was going to stop asking for anything and just let my life unfold before me.

I think I got the call a little after 9:30.  The girls and I were posing for a picture inside the lobby.  Because of our stupid camera’s delay, Mark snapped a picture of me the moment when Kristin was telling me.  He wanted to delete the picture but I told him no.  Maybe one day I’ll agree, but that picture illustrates the moment my life changed forever. YOU were and are my best friend and my sister (although to clarify for readers, not my biological sister).  You held a spot at the top of the list of people I loved the most and people who were the most important to me.

Thank God for Facebook, for everything that Facebook has brought into my life.  It has healed a few relationships, yours and mine being the most important one.  It’s not that our relationship was suffering, but we just hadn’t nurtured it very well over the years.  Because of Facebook you and I talked every night.  I came to you with some things I may not have in the past.  You gave me guidance.  You let me know you loved me.  I know that you are still giving me guidance and I AM listening.

I’m so glad we went to Savannah together.  That was a wonderful weekend, one of the best I’ve had in years and years.  I can see you in my head sitting back on the bed listening to me as I talked.  We put so much out there that weekend.  We laughed, cried, and placed our regrets right out on the table.  I can’t believe I missed so much over the years.  I did run away in a sense.  I’m not running anymore, but I ran for a lot of years.  I know it used to hurt you when you’d ask if I was ever going to come back home and I would respond with a resounding NO.  Thank God for small miracles and that I was able to say two things to you that I know were music to your ears.  The first was my promise to never miss anything again and I haven’t so far.  I made it to the shower and I was driven that day by some force that made me work so hard.  I know you were proud of me, cause it’s no secret how lazy I usually am when it comes to that kind of work.  And of course I didn’t miss your funeral.  I just can’t believe that THAT is the trip that followed the trip home for your baby shower.  I couldn’t see the babies when I was there, but I plan to go back on winter break and meet them.  The second thing I said that I know thrilled you, was that YES I would love to go back home and be close to you and all of our friends.  I don’t know where life will take me, but I do wish that I could be close to your boys and be able to offer my help and support to Tim.

Alright, I’m inching up on my 700 word limit so I’m going to wrap this up.  I want to write to you about the funeral and I want to write about your precious husband and amazing family…but I will do that in the next few days.  This entire week will probably be letters to you!

My friend, Rob, reminded me of this song at church this morning.  I know you liked it…can’t imagine why.

Heather

The following poem was written by my dear friend Heather and inspired by the loss of our dear friend, Amy.

Where is the end of this road?
The sun has not yet lit the horizon
the hill is steep.
The blackness covers my eyes, my
ears, my feet.
The weeds tangle in a web
slowing the journey
My weary legs plod ahead with no path,
no destination. I am lost and tired.
The ground is soft, too soft, sinking, sinking.
I lift my legs, deliberate, conscious, blind, but proceeding.
I pull the weeds with my hands, raw, wounded.
They are removed. My hands will heal.
Progress, slowly, up the peak.
At the summit, the yellow and orange beacon from the east.
The light is coming, the light is coming.
I can see. I am not afraid. The day will come.